snow leopard

Abby Ham realized the problem right away. She knew some blog readers will mistakenly assume I have a shoe fetish. However her choice of footwear on a cold, slushy day makes it worth the risk.



Abby and her husband stopped by while I was working at the radio station's booth at the Healthy Living Expo. One of the first things she said was that she had worn the wrong shoes for the weather. I told her about the last three times the shoes of local news anchors had appeared on my blog. She agreed that it would still be funny to add her pumps to my online collection.



Of all the supermarkets in Knoxville, it made sense that Earth Fare would be the one with a booth at the Healthy Living Expo. I tried several of their free samples, including coffee from the Vienna Coffee Company in Maryville and chocolate milk from Cruze Farm in Knoxville.

One of the last things you might expect to see at the Healthy Living Expo would be a group of zombies. However when the familiar notes of Michael Jackson's "Thriller" played over the speakers, the zombies literally crawled out from under the tables. One or two of them grabbed my legs as they crawled to the stage where they did an outstanding job of replicating the dance from the music video.

metal-urges

The best piece of art I saw on my last trip to St. Louis was not in one of the city's famous museums but in a restaurant. To be fair, I didn't get to any museums this time but that shouldn't take anything away from the interesting wall hanging at the trendy pizza place π. They have a map of the 48 contiguous states made from pieces of license plates. Each state is represented by a plate from that state. Rhode Island is only the size of the letter R from its plate.



The map got me thinking about the seven states I haven't visited yet. I had tentatively planned to go to Mount Rushmore this year, however some news from the FBI Knoxville Citizens Academy Alumni Association has changed my mind. The group has rescheduled its annual field trip to Washington and Quantico. The new dates are in August, when I am allowed to take vacation.

cracker hack

The very addicting cracker candy that my wife made for Christmas was supposed to last until our son went back to school. The plan was for him to take some to share with his roommates. Yeah, right. Instead, my wife and I made another batch to send him as a care package along with the necktie he left at home.

Normally, cracker candy is made with Saltines. Because we like chocolate-covered pretzels, we substituted Flipsides and used dark chocolate chips. Upgrade! Here's the recipe for those of you playing along at home.

• Preheat oven to 425°

• Arrange crackers in a bricklayer design on a cookie sheet covered with parchment. (We used two disposable aluminum pans.)

• Melt two sticks of butter in a saucepan over medium heat. Add ¾ cup sugar and stir constantly. Bring mixture to a boil for three minutes.

• Pour hot mixture over crackers and spread evenly with spoon. Bake at 425° for five minutes.

• Sprinkle chocolate chips over toffee. As they melt spread chocolate evenly with a spoon

• Top with chopped pecans or almonds (I used broken pretzel pieces!)

• Cover with foil and chill until hardened. Break into bite-size pieces, dropping the pan on the floor if you have to. Store in an airtight container in the refrigerator, and mail them to college as fast as possible before they "accidentally" get eaten at home.

las nueve manos del pulpo

Before my daughter mailed my Discover Card back to me, I asked her to disguise it. She took the idea to heart and created the character of Julio.



Patricia, one of my Facebook friends and business contacts, saw the post and sent me the following message:

I loved reading "think they got your number." My freshman daughter had also borrowed my credit card while home for the holidays. She inadvertently took it back to college with her. The day you wrote it, I sent the link to my daughter. I received the credit card yesterday inside this greeting card! I laughed so hard! Thought I would share...

take a chance

The email from Fox urged me to visit a special website for the show "Human Target." I played along and entered my name, email address and phone number. Before long, a video started playing with my name cleverly inserted in the graphics and on a list of names. When the lead character made a call, my phone rang. It was the voice of Christopher Chance, urging me to open the case.



The case in question had arrived in the mail yesterday. It was one of the nicer promotional items I've seen. The briefcase contained a DVD of tonight's episode, a Christopher Chance ID badge, a copy of "The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook," a 1GB flash drive shaped like a bullet and a cigarette lighter. Huh?



The desired effect of the freebies was to get me to watch "Human Target" tonight, which is being recorded on my DVR as I type this. As a TV completist, I wanted to go back in time to see the pilot episode I missed on Sunday. Fortunately it is available online, both at the Fox site and at Fancast.com, which I can work into my next commercial for Comcast High-Speed Internet.

sticky, soft and sweet

Even though the online coupon had expired, I still wanted to go to Gooey Louie because their cartoonish logo amused me. I only discovered them after searching for discounts I heard about on KMOX via my WiFi clock radio.



We bought a Tuxedo gooey butter cake for my son to take back to the dorm and share with his roommates. While we were there, we got a message from one of the roommates, asking if we could pick up an Original flavored cake for his parents.



I was looking at the many different labels available for special occasions when the Baby Louie individual serving cakes caught my eye. We bought a Turtle Park for me and a Hwy 40: Driving Me Nuts for the neighbor who takes in our mail. It wasn't until we got home that I noticed the tiny spoon inside the package.

roid rage

Now that Mark McGwire has admitted what was as plain as the neck on his face, what do I do with this?



By the way, I heard a reasonable defense of McGwire by Chris Core on my fancy new WiFi radio today.

think they got your number

The two people in the world who can make me laugh consistently, who have a direct line to my funny bone, are my son and daughter. Having them both here over Christmas break was pure joy.

Just before our summer vacation, my wife told me to start using my Discover Card to buy gasoline because they were having some kind of cash back reward. I kept on using it because I never bothered asking when the promotion would end.

Over New Year's weekend, we made a quick trip to Virginia. My daughter needed to get back to work after spending a week in Tennessee. During one refueling stop, I asked her to use my card to pay for the gas while I went to the rest room. I forgot to get it back.

She found it in her pocket a few days later and notified me via text message. I called her and asked her to mail it to me at her convenience. I also asked her to disguise the item so it wouldn't look or feel like a credit card through the envelope. She stuffed it inside one of those neoprene can koozies but not before adding a couple of extras:

so many contenders

One of the friends we visited in Saugerties over the summer didn't plan on buying me a second Christmas present this year. However he couldn't resist the item he saw at an auction house. He had read my blog post about the late, great Ed McMahon and knew I would love an autographed picture of the legendary broadcaster.



The salutation reads "For the gang at S.M.C., All the best!" I wonder what S.M.C. stands for. Considering that the photo was purchased in New York State, I think a likely candidate would be SMC Stone. It could also be from SMC Furnishings, the Systems, Man & Cybernetics Society or the Snowsports Merchandising Corporation. Maybe Ed supported either an organization called Single Mothers by Choice or the Sacred Music Chorale of Richmond Hill. How could I forget the Black Irish chapter of the Shamrocks Motorcycle Club?

candy planned

The candy spotted by my friend Keith made no sense for late December. He emailed me on the Second Day of Christmas to report that the Kroger on S. Northshore Drive was selling Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs. When I saw him at church the next morning, I asked if he thought they were left over from last Easter. No, a clerk told Keith that the eggs had just arrived.

My family and I stopped at a Sheetz convenience store on New Year's Day. In addition to the Reese's eggs, they had a whole assortment of Easter candy including Almond Joy Eggs, Easter Dots, Jolly Rancher Jelly Beans, Cadbury Creme Eggs and Cadbury Caramel Eggs.



The item that caught my eye and pried 99¢ plus tax from my wallet will be obvious to most readers of this blog. In fact, I had recently mentioned that I was anxious to try a chocolate-covered Marshmallow Peep. In my excitement, I hastily purchase a Peep covered with milk chocolate, momentarily forgetting that I had intended to hold out for the dark chocolate variety.

ring in the new

There's a lyric at the beginning of a bad song by Britney Spears called "Circus" that resonates with me nevertheless: "There's only two types of people in the world, the ones that entertain and the ones that observe."

For the second year in a row, Einstein Simplified was invited to perform during First Night Knoxville, the family-friendly event in and around Market Square. We drew a standing-room-only crowd to an auditorium in the TVA West Tower despite competing with a Tennessee Vols bowl game. I find it much more fun to entertain than to stay home and observe "New Year's Rockin' Eve."



After the two performances, I did get to do a little observing. A pair of fire jugglers were doing their tricks on a street corner. They dropped their batons quite a bit and I probably wouldn't mention them at all except that I liked the effect of the slow shutter speed on the pictures I took with a used camera that I got from a reader in a pay-it-forward deal. I tried taking a picture of the jugglers' faces but they had spun 180° by the time the camera registered the push of my finger on the button.



First Night events throughout the country are intended to be alcohol-free. However as midnight approached, people who had been drinking spilled out of the surrounding bars and into Market Square. I think it would be impossible to prevent, even if you had a cop at every bar. Like us sober folks, they just wanted to see the ball drop and the fireworks rise.

ring out the old

A major component of my voluntary submission to caffeine addiction is the readily available supply of free coffee at work. Rather than use the Styrofoam cups at the office, I chose to bring in my own coffee mug from home. I went through a process of choosing the right mug. It had to be one that would not be mistaken for anyone else's and I had to be willing to accept the fact that it would eventually get lost or broken.

The breakage came a little sooner than I expected. On Christmas Eve, my mug slipped out of my hand and broke. As you can see, I had chosen a mug with my name on it that I had received as a gift many years ago.



The broken cup meant I had to go through the selection process all over again. I had amassed surprisingly large collection of mugs during my non-coffee days. The ones that I saved have some degree of sentimental value for me. A cup from the Discovery Channel has an unusual elephant-shaped handle. I kept a souvenir from a listening party for a Bruce Springsteen live album because it reminds me of one of the first "cool" things I got to do in my radio career.



A George Mason University Alumni Association mug would be easy to identify as mine but I wouldn't want to break it. A huge cup from the short-lived Marvel Mania store at Universal City Walk is too big to be practical.



The newest addition to my collection goes nicely with one of the oldest. While enrolled in the FBI Citizens Academy, I got a mug from the Office of Counterintelligence at Oak Ridge National Laboratory. I keep it next to a mug I got from the FBI when I worked in the D.C. area at WAVA.



The mug I ultimately chose is kind of boring. It has a lot of aphorisms on it and I honestly haven't bothered to read any of them. I suppose I should do so before the thousand words break into a thousand pieces.

stingray sold separately

The challenge in finding a Christmas gift for my friend Bean is getting something unusual that he doesn't have. One year I was at the Post Office and saw a CD of Christmas music he would enjoy. He already had it. Last year I saw a unique Santa figurine in a wig shop on Gay Street. It was perfect.



A few weeks ago my family and I went out to dinner with a friend on Market Square. Afterward, we browsed in some of the shops. A certain package in Earth to Old City grabbed my attention. I don't know if the Steve Irwin action figure was made before or after the adventurer's death but I couldn't resist buying it for Bean.

neg nog

The plan for my simple after-dinner treat turned into a bit of a science experiment tonight. A while back, I had received an email from LA Weight Loss with a recipe for "Guilt-Free Egg Nog." I decided to try it on the second day of Christmas. Here's the recipe:

5 cups of skim milk
1 package of sugar free vanilla pudding mix
1 tsp cinnamon
a pinch of nutmeg
1 tsp of vanilla extract (optional)

Blend for at least 2 minutes with wire whisk. Makes 5 servings. 1 serving (8 ounces) equals 1 Dairy

As I gathered the ingredients, I realized that the container of skim milk from Weigel's had less than the requisite five cups. It was time to call in the reinforcements. My son and daughter are both smarter than I could ever hope to be. It didn't take long for them to figure out that the 1¾ cups of milk I had left was 35% of what the recipe called for. All we had to do was use only 35% of all the other ingredients to make a smaller batch of diet egg nog.



My son measured the package of Jell-O Sugar Free Vanilla Pudding mix and found that it contained about 70 cubic centimeters of powder. 35% of that would be 24.5 cm³. A little bit of the leftover mix was lost during the transaction. We eyeballed the amount of cinnamon and vanilla extract by partially filling a half-teaspoon.



A good whisking created a frothy mixture that I poured into my Christmas in the City mug. Although it had a consistency similar to skim milk, the taste was a close approximation of the real thing.



I was reminded to look for the email in my inbox by a blurb in Friday's free News Sentinel. The weekly Web Watch column listed three sites. I remember one was SketchySantas.com and another was an egg nog page. I couldn't recall the exact URL so I turned to Google. It gave me the "Eggnog Recipe Collection," which didn't seem quite right. I found the Knoxville.Com section of yesterday's paper and saw that the site was actually "Eggnog World." My blog entry from last month has almost as many links as these relatively simple sites.

once was lost, now is found

Each December, the news is full of stories about baby Jesus figures that have been stolen from nativity scenes around the world. The phenomenon is so common, it has its own Wikipedia page!

Today I received a phone call from a listener who had discovered a plastic Jesus close to her home. It was abandoned in the Kings Gate subdivision, near the Ingles in Farragut. She said it has a hole in the back for a light bulb. I asked her to send me a picture so I could post it online and perhaps find the rightful owner. You can help by forwarding this blog post to anyone you know in the area.



PS: I did not ask why her bedsheets resemble a Twister board.

under (-utilized) the tree

Christmas is the second most important celebration in Christianity. The annual Living Christmas Tree performance recognized that fact as their nativity pageant turned into a passion play. I had a great time at last year's show and was anxious to see it again.

Imagine that your church decided to put on a nativity pageant and that it grew in popularity over time. It relocated from the church to a theater that still wasn't big enough. Eventually it found a home at a large basketball arena. The demand for tickets is so great that five shows are scheduled each year. That's what happened at Sevier Heights Baptist Church, which works all year to prepare for their annual festivities at Thompson-Boling Arena.



The show started with a series of songs that would fit right in on a secular all-Christmas radio station. A huge group of kids sang about toys and Santa sang that he was "back in town." They segued quickly into a reenactment of the first Christmas. My son wondered how they chose the real baby who played Jesus. Rehearsals for the Living Christmas Tree begin each July. They must put out a casting call for pregnant women who are due around Thanksgiving.



The story didn't stop with the infant Jesus. It picked up with John the Baptist (duh) who sang a solo before he immersed Jesus in a pool of real water. Jesus cast out demons, cured a blind girl and raised another girl from the dead during an upbeat musical number. During the Last Supper, they sang "I Am the Bread of Life," which I recognized from the Catholic hymnals. It was a little odd to see the giant Christmas tree as the backdrop for scenes of the crucifixion and the resurrection.



There is one more performance of this year's Living Christmas Tree. In addition to everything I've mentioned, there is also a good sermon from evangelist Jose Zayas. The only thing I don't understand is why they ask people to leave the arena for one-on-one counseling before the much-hyped grand finale featuring the Hallelujah Chorus. As usual, the audience stood.

snickerdoodles

The actors in "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" at Dollywood are better than the material they have to work with. To be honest, the material isn't all that bad. The simple story revolves around a young girl who wishes that Santa will help her brother and sister travel home for Christmas. All the cast members have excellent singing voices, so the more music the better.

A corny subplot with some mice looking for cookies didn't work for me. The two lead mice imitated Abbott & Costello, including part of the famous "Who's On First?" routine. My other gripe was with a supporting cast member who played several parts including a mouse, a sailor and a neighbor of the main characters. He looked to be a better dancer than the others but I felt that he was trying to steal the spotlight by turning his er... flamboyance up to eleven.



My wife knows the family of gifted ten-year-old actress Amelia Bryant, who plays Grace Baxter in the show. Her acting is natural and her singing voice is strong. We sat with Amelia's parents and siblings at one of the three performances tonight. We were supposed to be there for the 5:00 p.m. show but ended up at the 7:00 show after we got stuck in traffic on Chapman Highway. Apparently the road was closed for the annual Seymour Christmas Parade. I'm kicking myself for not knowing about the parade. I could have either avoided it or volunteered to be in it.

ice pick

The Weigel's across the street from Knoxville Catholic High School has reopened. I stopped in and took a look around on Sunday after the roast of Fr. Ragan Schriver.



Like many places this time of year, they are on the pumpkin spice and egg nog bandwagons. As much as I like their egg nog, I need to finish my frozen stash before buying any more.



I also noticed that Weigel's is challenging Pilot in the battle of ice choice. A new trend at convenience stores is to offer both cubed and crushed ice now that many people are used to having the same option at home.

I'm on a boat

One of the first things Dr. Bill Bass asked during his lecture aboard the Volunteer Princess was whether anyone in the audience had seen "The Blind Side." He hasn't but knew the movie has a scene that mentions dead bodies in Neyland Stadium. In the film Kathy Bates' character frightens Michael Oher by misrepresenting the UT forensic anthropology program. She tells him that there are body parts buried under Shields-Watkins Field. In reality, the bones of 7,000 individuals are stored in cardboard boxes in the anthropology department offices in the recesses of the stadium's structure. The body donors were reduced to skeletons across the river at the Body Farm before taking up residence in the stadium. Other than that one scene, the movie is amazingly fantastic.



The purpose of the book signing cruise was to help raise funds for the Dr. William M. Bass Building Fund. I attended as a guest of the Bone Zones team that organizes Jefferson Bass events.



The tag line for the presentation was "when your days end, our day begins." Dr. Bass told us about the history of the Body Farm, the life cycle of the blow-fly and the four stages of decomposition: fresh, bloat, decay and dry. A familiar face popped up on screen during the slide show. I saw pictures of the same man decomposing when I took the FBI Citizens Academy class on forensics. I whispered to the lady next to me to keep an eye on the screen during the bloat stage. At that point the dead man looked a lot like John Goodman.

I have interviewed Dr. Bass several times and heard many of his forensic anecdotes. A new one on me was the story of a victim in Morgan County. On the way back to Knoxville with the body in the back of the vehicle, Dr. Bass and his team stopped off at a Cracker Barrel for lunch. When they returned to the parking lot, their car was surrounded by a cloud of flies.

Dr. Bass' good friend, Dr. Al Hazari of the chemistry department, is mentioned on page two-hundred-and-something of "Death's Acre." The Bone Zones crew had the great idea to get him to autograph that page. As he signed a stack of books, he talked about the Forensic Chemistry Summer Camp for Middle Schoolers that he runs every June. So many of the parents were interested that he added a spring class for Adults on Thursday nights in April.



Speaking of the Bone Zones crew, I was amused by their use of artificial joints that had been recovered from corpses. The artificial hips were paperweights and the top part of an artificial knee made for a great business card holder.

man of the hour

When the parish council started planning a farewell reception for Fr. Ragan Schriver, he said he hoped that it would be fun. It was more than fun, it was hysterical. This afternoon's event at All Saints Catholic Church, was inspired by the old Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.



I was asked to serve as roastmaster. In addition to the guest of honor, the dais was populated with three other priests, a local news anchor and me. Fr. Tony Dickerson and Fr. Michael Woods talked about the craziness of life in the rectory with Fr. Ragan. Former pastor Fr. Chris Michelson gave a different perspective on the story of hot candle wax spilling onto Fr. Ragan's head at the Easter Vigil. John Becker of WBIR often plays tennis with Fr. Ragan. He told a funny story about the priest's car smelling like a locker room because of all the sweaty workout clothes tossed into the back seat.



Like at the 2007 Adult Social, I did some of my own material before, between and after the other roasters. In honor of the three points in each of Fr. Ragan's homilies, here are three of the stories I told about him. I deviated from my script slightly but two of the stories are completely true!

Fr. Ragan has been at All Saints for a long time and maybe it is time to move on. After 12 years and 600 plus Sunday masses, he has officially run out of "3 Things." I hate to bust you on this but the sermon about the baby in Walmart? Heard it! In fact I heard it again last week when I went to Mass at Holy Family. I did a little research and found out that the little baby… is now 13 years old!

Last year there was a big tennis event at Thompson-Boling Arena called Rock N Racquets. They had Andy Roddick & Serena Williams plus entertainment by rock singer Gavin Rosdale. Gavin is well known in the music business for the alternative rock band he used to be in and he's fairly well known in the People Magazine world for being married to singer Gwen Stefani (she sings Hollaback Girl and a bunch of other songs you might know). Well Fr. Ragan doesn't know any of those songs. He's backstage waiting to meet the tennis players and finds himself standing next to Gavin Rosdale. He's trying to make conversation and the only thing he can think of to say is "so… you're married to Gloria Estefan?"



Fr. Ragan is well known in the community. It seems like everywhere you go, at least one person has a Fr. Ragan story. I was recently at a function with several local TV reporters. Two of them said they had interviewed Fr. Ragan in the past. One is a married woman with two kids who talked about how impressed she was with the work they do at Catholic Charities and how impressed she was with his enthusiasm about getting to know his new neighborhood in Seymour. The other reporter is a bit younger and single. She said "Oh Fr. Ragan! I could go CATHOLIC for him!" She went on but I'll stop there. Suffice to say, the phrases "if only" and "not celibate" were involved.

After the five roasters, Fr. Ragan made some remarks and thought we were finished. At that point, we told him to cut a cake that turned out to be an iced cardboard box. Under the lid was an assortment of fruits and nuts. The two ladies who organized the party closed out the festivities by singing a tribute to the tune of "We Love You Conrad" from "Bye Bye Birdie." During the song, Fr. Michael displayed props like a cup of yogurt and a box of Fiber One cereal. At the end of the song, all the roasters sprinkled soaked Fr. Ragan with some dish-washing sponges on wire handles, much the same way he overdoes it with holy water during the Easter season.

giving out wings

If the Old Farmer's Almanac wanted a sure thing every year, they could call the Knoxville chapter of the Salvation Army and ask for the date of media bell-ringing day. I remember each of those days being cold and raw, which makes sense for the first Thursday in December. This was at least the fifth year I have participated.

For the second consecutive year, Jonathan Haskell sent me to Sam's Club, which couldn't be more convenient. This year was better than last because the red kettle was placed near the entrance instead of the exit. Everyone entering Sam's has to reach for their wallet to show their membership card. It was pretty easy for them to grab a few dollars at the same time. When a parent let their small child put the money in the kettle, I let the youngster ring the bell a few times.

Alan Williams and Lauren Davis of WVLT had done a great job in the two hours before I arrived. I had to use my pen several times to push down the cash and make room for more. The bell ringer after me was a real ringing Bell, as in Bob Bell of a Christian talk station.

central dark

The campaign for a new camera is going slowly. Rather than wait until I collect $150, I used my cell phone to re-create some of the photos on the memory card that was in the camera I lost.

The parking lot under the James White Parkway is my last resort when looking for a space in the Old City. I prefer to find a metered space on the street close to Patrick Sullivan's. On the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, my wife and daughter and I parked there and noticed something odd.

Over the summer, my wife and I saw broken auto glass in one of the spaces. It was obvious that someone had done a smash and grab burglary on the isolated pavement. Last week we put two and two together when we saw the decorative projectiles rocks that surround the lot.

felix sit annus novus

Fr. Ragan Schriver received a birthday gift from his new congregation at Holy Family Catholic Church last night. They gave him a set of what they called "pastor vestments." The purple chasuble and stole were similar to the ones he wore to celebrate the first Mass of Advent, but the new ones were adorned with the Chi Rho symbol that looks like PX to us. I took a blurry picture with my phone.



Cantor Karen Burry could barely contain her excitement about the gift. The presentation would occur at the end of Mass. She told my wife about it as soon as we walked in the door of the church. Karen, like my wife, is one of the better cantors in the diocese. I recognized her from some RCIA ceremonies at Sacred Heart Cathedral.

There was no organist at Mass last night but there was music. I noticed that Karen carried a remote control to the ambo before the processional hymn. When she hit the button, the organ played a song that the previous pastor had recorded onto a floppy disk. Karen sang some parts of the Mass a cappella and changed disks for the offertory, communion and recessional hymns. The Holy Holy Holy, the Memorial Acclamation and the Great Amen were all sung to the tune of "O Come O Come Emmanuel."

The Byzantine items and iconography that I wrote about in August have been removed from the sanctuary. Fr. Ragan was able to get an ever-so-slightly damaged statue set of the Holy Family at a great discount from the Paraclete. He said that one of Mary's fingers was broken off but stared blankly when I said "just like Daryl Hannah."

Next weekend Fr. Ragan will concelebrate all the Masses at All Saints. Following the 11:45 service, I will emcee a roast in the parish hall. All are welcome.

ginger snaps

Most people go to the Fantasy of Trees to see the trees, hence the title of the event. Volunteers from all over East Tennessee spend hours and hours decorating beautiful Christmas trees that are sold to benefit Children's Hospital. Having said that, I was more impressed by a display of gingerbread houses.

My wife and I attended a preview gala at the Knoxville Convention Center on Tuesday night. The building is right next to the real Sunsphere, which was represented in gingerbread. I also saw a house that looked like it was made of Pepto-Bismol and a structure that reminded me of the models of California missions that my kids had to build in the fourth grade at St. Finbar School.







Did you spot the entry from M&M Catering, a local BBQ favorite?

multiculti

The most appealing items to me at the church bake sale on Sunday were some cupcakes that were brownie on the bottom and white cake on top. The fudge frosting held up to handling better than butter cream (or even But-R-Creme) would have. Whoever made them wisely broke one open to reveal their chocolaty goodness. My wife and I split one of those and one of something that would best be described as a graham cracker praline. The cupcakes were so good, they made me wish I had bought more.



The sale is part of the annual Harvest of Blessings at All Saints Church. In addition to the food, they sell religious items from the Paraclete, some handmade crafts, Boy Scout popcorn and the like.

There were two marshmallow treats that I was able to resist. The chocolate-peanut butter mallow bars were sold by the plate, not individually. The marshmallow snowmen were cute but the little fellas looked squished from all the handling required to assemble them. Even if the chef wore gloves, I would still prefer a gentler touch.



We also saw some kid-friendly sugar cookies decorated as turkeys and some actual pralines labeled with the important disclaimer that they contain pecans. Oh really?

advent-ure

For the second year in a row I bought a Christmas ornament sight unseen. My wife and I didn't get a souvenir from Lake Winnipesaukee during our trip there in July. We buy ornaments when we find ones we like but we don't go too far out of our way to look.

Last year I persuaded a sales clerk in Branson to describe some ornaments to me. I picked one and had it shipped here. Earlier this week I called The Christmas Loft and asked if they had what I wanted. The clerk described a porcelain piece made by Barlow Designs that sounded just about perfect. It arrived yesterday with plenty of time to spare before we begin decorating.



In other Lake Winnipesaukee news, I may finally get around to watching "What About Bob?" Although filmed in Virginia, the story is set at the New Hampshire lake. It will be shown on Starz Comedy this coming Friday. My DVR is set.

dessert storm

As Thanksgiving approaches, a couple of thoughtful readers sent me some tempting recipes from the Internet. The do-it-yourself marshmallow peeps on Twig & Thistle look much better than the blobs I once made with the Peeps maker that now resides on my office shelf. I'm guessing that my friend Kathy would have better results with the homemade peeps than I would. She made some great marshmallows last Christmas and last Easter. Hmm... the annual church bake sale is this Sunday.



Another recipe that may be too much for me is Paula Deen's eggnog. It's not that it's too complicated, it's just that it makes ten times more than I need. I emailed the link to my wife. She was grossed out and made it clear I would be the only one drinking it. On top of that, I still have some Weigel's eggnog in the freezer that I didn't drink last year.

no mo in

The Thursday before Thanksgiving is always the Great American Smokeout. If there are any smokers reading this, I truly hope you are able to break the sinister hold that nicotine addiction has on you. Why not try quitting tomorrow? Maybe you can keep it going the next day and the next day and so on.

Someday in the future when cigarettes have been eradicated, "No Smoking" signs will be obsolete. An exit door at the Knoxville Convention Center offers a suggestion for the signs that could have come from the overlooked and underrated "Idiocracy."

o brother, where art thou?

Flat Stanley had a busy day in East Tennessee. My sister emailed him to me in a PDF file and asked me to take some photos of him for my niece's second grade class. Any Tennessean worth his or her salt should be able to identify all the locations Flat Stanley and I visited on Saturday. I will send a prize to the first person to do so. All guesses must be entered in the comments section on my blog. The more specific, the better. I have posted my contest rules there. Don't delay, the second grade needs to know where these pictures were taken.

What's the prize, you ask? Actually you get to choose one of three. "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!" gives away Carl Kasell's voice for your answering machine. I can do that too. Or you could choose to have my lovely wife sing the National Anthem at your Knoxville-area event. Or I will mail you a bag of bacon-flavored sunflower seeds that I got for free.





PS: It appears that Flat Stanley is as big a fan of the Brian Setzer Orchestra as I am.

red swirlie

Without question the Brussels Sprouts I had on Saturday were the best I've ever had in my life. In fact, they were the first I've had as an adult. Unlike the gross boiled Brussels Sprouts of my childhood (sorry, Mom), these were roasted at a high temperature. My wife and I enjoyed the unpopular vegetable while we were at a friend's house for dinner.

Our host prepared the main courses. My wife and I brought dessert. Last year when I was writing one of several blog entries about Fischer & Wieser sauces, I found a recipe that seemed simple, yet exotic. It called for a whorl of Roasted Blackberry Chipotle Sauce in a pan of regular brownie mix.



We finally got around to making the sweet and spicy treats but used Original Roasted Raspberry Chipotle Sauce instead. The magical condiment gets swirled into half of the brownie mix. The rest of the mix goes on top. The chipotle taste was subtle but definitely present. I might be tempted to use more than ½ cup of sauce the next time.

shouted out with glee

Before getting dressed for the March of Dimes Signature Chefs Auction, I had a thought. What if I accidentally wore the exact same thing as I did at last year's event? I happened to be on the phone with my daughter at the time. She went to my blog entry from 2008 and described the red tie and striped shirt I had on. I knew to wear the blue tie and a solid shirt this year.

Once again, the delicious food made it a night to remember. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't possibly taste everything that was offered. My wife and I got there early enough to see the elaborate Cabot Cheese and fruit tray before anyone disturbed it.



I got to chat with talented young singer Logan Murrell and her parents before the ballroom doors opened. Logan did a great job performing during dinner. She sang four or five songs including "A Kiss to Build a Dream On" and "Over the Rainbow." Julie Murrell emailed me recently to say they had seen some of my previous blog mentions of her daughter. She gave me a copy of Logan's Christmas CD to review.



No offense to Logan or to energetic auctioneer Bear Stephenson, but the main attraction at the Signature Chefs Auction is the food. 19 chefs from different businesses set up shop at tables around the perimeter of the ballroom in the Knoxville Convention Center. I found it funny that The Inn at Christmas Place was serving goose (seared foie gras over roasted corn polenta with port veal broth) while The Crown & Goose was serving reindeer (seared porcini dusted venison on top of pumpkin mash with candied pecans with apple cider spice glaze). The venison dish was my favorite entrée of the night. Not all the food was hoity-toity. The pork BBQ from Chandler's Deli had a delicious seasoning that I liked but couldn't identify.



Dessert was no slouch either. There was a long line for ice cream from Marble Slab Creamery. They brought a portable slab and offered two flavors. Their Double Dark Chocolate with Fudge was as good as it sounds. Rosa's Catering Service provided an End of the Rainbow cake with different flavors of icing.



My favorite overall dish was also a dessert. The Bananas Foster from Club Le Conte was so good I went back for seconds.



As in past years, I was there as a volunteer. My contact at the March of Dimes asked me to solicit donations from three tables. My wife made a small contribution when she heard that it would be doubled if we used our MasterCard. I also worked as a spotter at the live auction again this year. I saw some local celebrities in the room. WVLT anchor Alan Williams was as gracious as always. The event emcee was WATE anchor Kristin Farley who was representing Fox 43, where she does the 10:00 p.m. news. Kristin asked my wife if she could ham it up for the camera.

electroluminescence

There was no Thanksgiving music during the light show at Smokies Park. In fact, the soundtrack was unabashedly Christmas. Tonight my wife and I attended a media preview of Shadrack's Christmas Wonderland in the parking lot of the baseball stadium in Kodak.

They had a small reception with hot cocoa, hot cider and Christmas cookies just before sunset. As it got dark, Sevierville Mayor Bryan Atchley and Sevier County Mayor Larry Waters cut a ceremonial ribbon held by members of the Glover family, who own and operate Shadrack Watersports. We all headed to our cars and drove through the maze-like course in the parking lot.

The lights formed secular shapes like snowflakes and trees, but the songs that accompanied the display were mostly religious. I heard "Christmas with a Capital C" and "Joy to the World" by Go Fish as well as "Stille Nacht" by Mannheim Steamroller. The music is broadcast on a low-power FM station, which sounded great on our car radio. The various colors appear to dance to the beat. A computer program synchronizes the lights to the music. It's reminiscent of both fireworks and water fountains.

Smokies Park is just off I-40 at exit 407. This is the third light display by Shadrack. In 2007, they started the tradition at their store in Bristol. In 2008, they began doing it at their location in West Knoxville, just off the Watt Road exit. The light shows start again in Bristol on November 13 and in Knoxville on November 19. All three displays will operate nightly from 6:00 to 10:00 p.m. until January 2. It costs $15 per car on weekends and $10 per car on Monday through Thursday nights. The rates are higher for buses, limos and activity vans.

We were told to keep our headlights off as we drove through the mile-long course. As you can see in the photo below, there was a car behind us who left their lights on. Mikki Noel Glover (who is now married and has a different last name) told us that many owners of newer cars have no idea how to turn off their headlights. For some, it involves either the parking brake or the gear shift. By the end of last year, the Glovers had figured out how several different auto models work. They plan to research the information on the Internet and give themselves a refresher course for this year.

cement pond

Every autumn when the workmen pull the cover over my backyard pool and close it for the cold weather, I get a sad feeling. Conversely, the reopening of the pool each spring makes me happy. Today I saw something even sadder. The swimming pool at the former University Club, now the UT Visitors' Center, has been filled with concrete.

just say November

Never let it be said that I rush straight from Halloween into Christmas. Each year I write several blog posts about Thanksgiving. It bugs me to see stores displaying Christmas decorations in October. However, I did go online today and order my tickets for the Living Christmas Tree.

I went to the show at Thompson-Boling Arena for the first time last year and enjoyed it tremendously. Three of this year's shows conflict with the Knoxville Symphony's Clayton Holiday Concerts. I picked one of the two that do not, since my wife will be singing at all four Clayton shows.

Another Christmas reminder popped up in my email today. Dave & Melanie, the couple who operate the seasonal See's Candies kiosk at West Town Mall, wrote to tell me that they will reopen for business on November 12. They were kind enough to include some fun photos from their summer Workamping adventures.

On top of all that, the radio industry news had a few reports of stations flipping to an all-Christmas format over the weekend, including one in St. Louis and two in Kansas City. Despite being on the verge of a Christmas avalanche. I found two reasons to be hopeful for Thanksgiving.

On our way home from Missouri this summer, my wife and I stopped at Broadbent's in Cadiz, Kentucky. The Christmas-themed gift shop was across a parking lot from a radio station with a drive-through window. (Huh?) Amidst all the Christmas items in the store was a small display of three Thanksgiving (and one Halloween) decorations.



Perhaps most encouraging was the decent selection of Thanksgiving cards at Dollar General Market. My cell phone battery died just as I thought about taking a picture of the display. Instead I spent 50¢ to take home the card that reminded me of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

b-a-n-a-n-a-s

A few lists of the best and worst Halloween candies came across my web browser yesterday. Hershey's national survey listed the top ten treats for adults and the top ten for kids. I was surprised to see some Mars and Nestlé products on the Hershey's list.

SF Weekly chose five candies kids love even though they don't taste great. I can agree with their dislike of wax lips and Pixy Stix but not candy corn. The tasty tricolor treats are addictive in their super-sweetness. I don't like Smarties but I will give them a free pass because my kids like them. The fifth choice was Ring Pops. Eh.

It was snooty Bon Appetit that got me riled up. They did get a couple of items right on their best and worst lists. For example, they like Whoppers and Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins. The worst list includes Necco Wafers and Milk Duds. They foolishly put candy corn on both lists. But how dare they impugn one of my all time favorites, Circus Peanuts. Screenwriter and candy-lover Paul Rudnick also dissed the Peanut on his list. Back in my heavier days, I would often eat Circus Peanuts on airplane flights. The last one in the package tasted just as good as the first.

The trick-or-treaters in our neighborhood will have to wait until I get home from work and my wife gets home from church before they can access our goodies. She bought an assortment of Mars products including Milky Way, 3 Musketeers, Snickers, Twix and Skittles. My wife likes to serve them from a bowl with a ceramic hand reaching up from the bottom. To give this photo an appropriately blood-red tint, I held my finger over the flash. Oooh, very scary!

ert day

Two guests at the Homewood Suites thought there might have been a hazmat spill when they saw the members of the FBI Citizens Academy walk past their hotel room. We were all wearing white Tyvek coveralls for an exercise in evidence recovery. In my best Batman voice, I said "remain calm, citizens" and explained that we were in a class.

Our FBI instructors divided us into four groups and gave us a scenario. They directed each group to a different hotel room where they had placed various pieces of evidence for us to identify and collect. Hana Kim was in my group. Her Tyvek suit highlighted her choice of non-sensible shoes.



Before heading to our fake crime scenes, a special agent from the Evidence Response Team gave us some background on the unit. He showed us a few crime scene photos from a local kidnapping case that I remembered seeing on the news five years ago.

The evening that ended with a practical exercise began with a graphic slide show. Dr. Murray Marks, a forensic anthropology professor from the University of Tennessee, spoke to us about his field of expertise. He mentioned that many bodies are found this time of year by hunters and hikers taking advantage of the cooler weather.

Dr. Marks discussed the links between pathology, anthropology and dentistry. The three fields work together in an effort to determine a victim's identity, perimortem trauma and the time since death. We saw quite a few pictures of teeth on bodies in various states of decay. The teeth will long outlast the flesh and bone of a body.

Dr. Marks doesn't like the term "Body Farm." He prefers to call it "the Facility." The slides he showed us of donated corpses focused mainly on forensic entomology and the life cycle of flies and maggots. I recognized one of the actual crime scene photos from an exhibit that was at the Frank H. McClung Museum in early 2008.

plastic letters

Most of the display cases at the Farragut Folklife Museum are currently loaded with Barbies. I stopped by for my annual visit on Monday when I went to pay my auto registration at the Knox County offices upstairs. I was amused by the juxtaposition of the doll collection with the axes and other cutting tools on the walls. One of the Barbies was decked out in a real mink coat.



When I got home that day, I found a press release from MomLogic.com in my email. It directed me to an online gallery of new Barbies dressed as pop icons Joan Jett, Cyndi Lauper and Deborah Harry. I was curious since Blondie was my favorite band of the '80s. I remember going to see them at Merriweather Post Pavilion. Their opening act might have been Duran Duran. Thanks to the remarkable Internet, I was able to find out that my memory was correct and that the concert was August 16, 1982.

can't be choosers

KFC attempted a do-over today. A few months back they suffered through a public relations fiasco when they offered free chicken dinners via Oprah.com. They were overwhelmed with coupons, many of which were copies of the actual computer printouts. Today they offered a single piece for free, without a coupon.

Thanks to Twitter, I went to a different KFC than last time. Wendy of Magic Mulch suggested I head to Farragut, which was ideal because I needed to go there to pay a bill at the Knox County offices sometime this week.

The KFC website said that the piece of free chicken would be "manager's choice." When they started to give me a thigh, I asked the clerks if I could wait until the manager might choose to give me a chicken breast instead. They told me that the district manager had already decided that all the free pieces in his district would be dark meat. If I wanted white meat, I would have to buy a piece for $3 and some change. Unlike the last KFC I visited, the Farragut store did offer side salads. I bought one for $1.63 to show I was a good sport.



The thigh was small but the taste was okay. It was good enough to make me appreciate that it was free, but not good enough to make me want to pay for it in the future. Thinking of other folks on a budget, I posted a note on Twitter and Facebook about my free chicken. Unfortunately my animal-loving friend Bean did not like it. He twitted tweetered twote said that he objects to KFC's chicken raising practices. He later told me that he is okay with the chicken at McDonald's and Popeye's. I need to find out if Popeye's ever offers anything that is grilled and not fried.

scene of the crime

The audience watching "Fish Bait" at Flat Hollow Marina & Resort surprised me. They laughed at different parts of the movie than the audience at Patrick Sullivan's did the night before. The folks at the saloon responded well to the scenes where four of us from Einstein Simplified were driving and talking. They've seen us do that on stage for years. The people on the boat dock responded well to the mishaps we encountered on the water. While the Knoxville crowd said "ewww" to a quick shot of a floating dead fish, the Speedwell viewers said nothing.

The staff at Flat Hollow went all out to celebrate the movie we filmed there last year. They made some large posters and redid the menu in their restaurant to include items like Chum, Chicken Parts and Fried Fungus. The restaurant was converted into a movie theatre for the night. Enough boaters and marina regulars showed up to warrant showing the film twice.



After the screenings, the cast members in attendance were asked to autograph several DVDs at the sales counter. While the others were using the Sharpie markers, Dave Snow and I amused each other with some tea candles. When all was finished, the cast and crew raised a toast on board one of the two houseboats where we would spend the night. Coincidentally, my wife and I slept aboard the White Lightning. This morning I woke up to a lovely view of the fall foliage.



After breakfast, the remaining cast and crew posed for a photo in front of The Lady, the decrepit houseboat that we used in the movie. I was wearing my new FBI Citizens Academy hat, which we joked now stood for "Fish Bait Inspector." The Lady looks even worse than she did last year. Some family members of the man who used to own the boat came to the screening last night. They were a little chagrined that the boat their relative lost to foreclosure was used to represent all that is janky. Some of the other audience members pointed out that shots of particularly redneckish houseboats were filmed downriver in Union County, not in their nice part of Norris Lake.

in the brook

It's "Fish Bait" time in Tennessee. The no-budget horror movie featuring the members of Einstein Simplified will have its world premiere this weekend. We're screening it on Friday night at Patrick Sullivan's and on Saturday night at Flat Hollow Marina & Resort. Tickets are $5 at the door.



Erin Donovan from "Live at Five at Four" was kind enough to give us a little publicity for the film. She interviewed Jeff Joslin and me at Volunteer Landing for a story that should air Friday. A moment of potential karma occurred while Erin was interviewing Jeff. Larsen Jay of Doublejay Creative walked by on his way to lunch with some business associates. Erin stopped the interview so that Jeff could meet Larsen.

After I got home from the interview, Jeff emailed me a photo of the DVD cover. "Fish Bait" DVDs and soundtrack CDs will be available for sale at the screenings and eventually via EinsteinSimplified.com. The soundtrack has music from Billy Bob Thornton and Tommy Shaw.



The Lafollette Press published an article about "Fish Bait" in Thursday's paper. Earlier in the week, a showbiz blog ran a nice feature on actress Patrice Bunch. When Erin Donovan's piece is posted on WBIR.com, I will put a link to it here.

middle class

Two weeks ago, I did a little church sightseeing in Norfolk. Last Sunday I did the same thing in Middleburg. My wife and I went to Mass with our friend Maureen at St. Stephen the Martyr Catholic Church. The colonial style structure was built with some special accommodations for President John F. Kennedy. According to "The Middleburg Mystique," the church had a special room with a direct phone line to the White House.



The Kennedys would often spend weekends in Middleburg. JFK probably attended Mass at St. Stephen's only two or three times before his death. The church opened in the Spring of 1963. An Associated Press article from late October described the First Family's initial visit to the church, complete with details of the fidgety children and which pew they used. "The Middleburg Mystique" says they last went to Mass there twelve days before his death. Their pew is marked by a small plaque.

deadly force

The smell of gunpowder was still in my nose hours after returning home from the firing range at the Phil E. Keith Training Center. The facility, which belongs to the Knoxville Police Department, was the scene for today's meeting of the FBI Citizens Academy.

After a safety lesson from the firearms training agent, I started my day on the range by shooting four different guns. We could visit the four stations in any order. I chose a roughly chronological order, starting with a 1928 model Thompson submachine gun followed by a 38 caliber Smith & Wesson revolver. In the years since an infamous Miami shootout, the Bureau switched to the next two guns I tried. I shot a 40 caliber Glock pistol and a Colt M4 Carbine assault rifle. I went back for a second round on the old revolver and showed significant improvement from my first attempt.



While I was with the group shooting real guns, the other half of the class was inside working with a computer simulation of various scenarios. Once we switched places, the first few people in my group were given simulations of domestic disputes. When it was my turn, the scenario was a school shooting. I saw two bloodied students on my right and two uniformed police officers on my left. The students were gesturing behind them to the right. Suddenly there was a spray of blood and all four of them dropped to the ground. I saw gunfire coming from behind a dumpster on the left so I started shooting toward it. Then a second shooter emerged from the woods in the distance but my fake gun stopped working. Apparently the CO₂ cartridge in it had emptied. The screen went black, which I assume meant that the second shooter had taken me out. When they played back my scenario, we saw that I killed the first shooter with my second shot.

After lunch, we learned about the Special Weapons and Tactics force. We saw examples of the weapons they use and then went outside to see the Oshkosh Humvee used by local FBI SWAT agents. Prior to this, I thought the only thing Oshkosh made was children's clothes. We each had a chance to climb inside and pose for photos. Hana Kim from WATE-TV asked me to pose with her. She was delayed in getting to the range because she had to anchor the weekend newscast this morning. We've had a chance to chat during breaks from class. I found out that Hana grew up in Northern Virginia and graduated from McLean High School and the University of Maryland.



The day finished with a lecture on explosives and a demonstration out on the range. First the special agent bomb tech blew up a blasting cap in a coffee can. He then blew up a blasting cap in a coffee can filled with shaving cream to show us how the cream absorbed some of the impact. Next he showed the effect of explosions on soft tissue by blowing up a blasting cap inside a chicken from Food City. I don't know why he made a point of telling us that. Maybe he wanted to make sure the bird hadn't been pumped full of sodium.

mallow inn

Middleburg is in the heart of Virginia's "hunt country." Riders on horseback and their hounds hunt foxes the way they did in the cartoons we watched as kids. On Sunday, my wife and I met some relatives for a delicious brunch at the Hunter's Head Tavern in nearby Upperville. I had heard that the restaurant's owner was not a fan of fox hunting and designed a logo in which the fox gets the upper hand. There's even a comical mounted head near the bar.



If I had been eating alone, I probably would have gone to a shop called Mello Out, despite their inability to spell marshmallow. They specialize in handmade marshmellos [sic] but have other menu items too. I would have ordered the Adam's Apple, which is apple, peanut butter, bacon and honey on brioche.



My wife and I did stop in to get a package of their marshmallows. Our friend Maureen from Fox Chase Farm was with us. While we were there, the staff was taking some Cosmic Cupcakes out of the refrigerator and putting them on display for the day. Fortunately for us, the frosting on one of the cupcakes had gotten stuck to the container. Since it was unsuitable for sale, the manager gave it to the three of us to split. The frosting was rich and tasty and the cake was exceptionally moist. It was the best cupcake I have had in quite some time.

horsepower

Fox Chase Farm was festooned with pink on Saturday for the first Ride for the Cure Virginia. It was one of only a few such events in the country and was the most successful. Susan G. Komen For the Cure will receive over $100,000 in proceeds. My friend Maureen, who bought the farm ten years ago, asked me to make announcements before and during the Ride.



The festivities started with the singing of the National Anthem by Angela Knight. She wore all purple with a sash that read "Mrs. Haymarket." She makes appearances on behalf of the Mrs. Virginia organization when she's not performing as a lyric coloratura with the Washington National Opera or singing her own Christian music in concert.

Several breast cancer survivors walked around the outdoor performance arena while Michael Bicoy of the U.S. Army Chorus sang "You'll Never Walk Alone." The hard part of performing that song is making the audience momentarily forget about Jerry Lewis. Bicoy succeeded easily.



One of the riders was Greta Kreuz from WJLA-TV. She took over the emcee role during the catered dinner under a fancy white tent. I sat at a table with Olympian Joe Fargis, who is revered among the Middleburg horse set. The dessert cupcakes were decorated with pink ribbons.



Most of the donations came from the riders and their sponsors. More money was raised with a silent auction set up around the perimeter of the dinner tent. Three celebrities I know donated items to the silent auction. Thanks go to Jimmy Kimmel, Susan Olsen and Richard Cheese. Everyone seemed pleased that the winner of $4000 in the 50/50 raffle was the guy who hauls the manure off the farm each week.

A crew from the PBS show "Equitrekking" shot video and conducted interviews with some of the participants. They posted a three minute story on YouTube.

mini haha

An unusual vehicle got our attention when my wife and I stopped for dinner on our way home last Sunday. We were at Chipotle near the Hanes Mall in Winston-Salem. A minivan festooned with Mickey Mouse heads pulled into a parking space outside. I had finished eating, so I went to my own car and got the camera. The shapes reflected the camera flash, creating an unusual image.



The man with the van said he was a fan of all things Disney. His family visits Walt Disney World every year. He got the idea for his van's decorations when he had some excess reflective material from the ambulance he drives. He designed the bubbling Mickey heads on his computer and had a friend at an auto signage shop cut the pieces by using the design. The man likes being noticed. Before owning a minivan, he used to have a truck with the most neon in North Carolina. At least that's what he said.

When I got back to our table inside the restaurant, my wife commented that things like this happen to me often. She said we can go just about anywhere and a blog topic will fall into my lap. I think my natural curiosity helps me to take notice of things that interest me. When my wife and I went to see the World's Largest Rocking Chair, I saw a man with a welding torch and asked him what was going on. If we had merely taken a quick picture and gotten back in our car, we would have missed seeing the one and only time the chair actually rocked. It was worth waiting a few minutes to experience kitsch history. It's also possible that I am somewhat more approachable than most people. I feel that people often ask me for directions at a traffic light or for help in a store. In all fairness, I'm just as likely to be the one asking someone else for help.

maid of the misty eyes

Last night's episode of "The Office" got me choked up for the first time since the movie "Up." Like most viewers, I have become invested in the relationship between Pam and Jim. It was emotionally fulfilling when they found a way to steal back some privacy and romance from their annoying co-workers.

The suspense built as we waited for Michael Scott to be the first to put his foot in his mouth. They caught us off guard when it was Jim who did it instead. Of course Michael proceeded to ram it in up to the knee. Almost every episode makes me think of the quote that Steve Carell paraphrased from Ricky Gervais, "if you don't know a Michael Scott, you are a Michael Scott."

Entertainment Weekly reported that the rehearsal dinner scene was filmed at the Smokehouse in Burbank. My family and I went there with friends for a few celebratory dinners after various events with our kids at St. Finbar School. I also had a few business lunches there with radio executives from Emmis Communications and a nice dinner there with Billy Bush when he was first thinking about moving to Los Angeles.

I recognized the exterior of the hotel from my trip to Niagara Falls in 2007. In fact, I took a picture of the Red Coach Inn because it had the same name as a restaurant my parents used to take us to in Yonkers. It's right next to a totem-like building that could be partially seen on last night's show.

holy spirituals

The bellman said that the Catholic church nearest to our downtown Norfolk hotel was the Basilica of St. Mary of the Immaculate Conception. He wanted to make sure I knew that it was a Black Catholic church and that the liturgy would have a Baptist feel to it. I've joked that my home parish in Knoxville, All Saints, is very Baptist-friendly because of all the converts in our congregation. Besides, how Baptist could it be if the church is named after the Virgin Mary? As it turned out, the experience of worshiping at St. Mary's was rather different from All Saints.



Besides the obvious reversal of the race ratio, I noticed that the last seven pews at St. Mary's were elevated on risers. My daughter noted the absence of a center aisle and my wife pointed out that there were no kneelers in the pews. The cover of the hymnals was designed with an African feel to it. "Lead Me, Guide Me" is from GIA Publications and had several informative essays about Black Catholic worship.



One of the terms I picked up from the hymnal was "dialogical preaching." During the homily by Deacon Calvin Bailey there were some exclamations of "amen" and the like. The congregation applauded after the sermon, as they did after most of the hymns. The choir swooped and swayed in their robes while they sang "I've Decided to Follow Jesus," "Amazing Grace" and "Let Us Break Bread Together" among others. My wife, who knew that last hymn, found it ironic that they sang "let us break bread together on our knees" in a church with no kneelers.



The congregation remained standing during the parts of the Mass when most American Catholics are kneeling. The sign of peace differed somewhat too as altar servers and congregants left their places to walk around the church and embrace their friends and loved ones. The readings and prayers were right out of the Roman Missal. No liberties were taken, which I've heard may happen at some other parishes in the Diocese of Richmond.



After Mass, a parishioner who introduced herself as Carol Swank approached us. Being white and all it was fairly apparent that we were visitors. She told us a little about the history of the building and took us to three areas of interest. From the choir loft we got a good view of the whole sanctuary and saw the area where African Americans had to sit in the 19th century. The old pre-Vatican 2 altar was turned 180° and moved forward, creating a space for a Blessed Sacrament chapel. Two pieces of the old marble altar rail were saved from the trash pile and placed there also.



The most interesting thing Carol showed us was something the hotel bellman had also suggested I see. The first church that stood on the adjacent plot of land was torched in 1856 possibly as a hate crime against Black Catholics. Only one thing was pulled from the flames of the burning building: a huge, hand-carved wooden crucifix. Next to it is a framed news article from the Virginian-Pilot telling the story of the crucifix.

for no bucks

Operation free coffee was a success this morning. All I had to do was take a cursory taste test of the new Starbucks Via to get a coupon for a free brewed coffee. I was a bit surprised by the small size of the samples. The tiny cups weren't even filled halfway.



It wouldn't have mattered whether or not I was able to figure out which was the instant coffee and which was the fresh brewed. However, the challenge intrigued me and I thought I could solve the mystery. While I waited for the drinks to cool to a palatable temperature, I noticed that one cup had the current Starbucks logo while the other had the retro "fresh roasted coffee" logo. Could the answer be as simple as truth in labeling? Presumably the instant mix wouldn't have qualified as "fresh roasted."

One had a much stronger, more bitter taste than the other. Another customer taking the test couldn't tell any difference but she drank them both piping hot. I thought that Starbucks would probably rig the test so that more people prefer the new Via. I could imagine the more pleasant tasting coffee being approved by management after years of development, testing and focus groups. I thought I remembered a press release from a few years back announcing the introduction of Pike Place Roast. It was a throwback to the early days of Starbucks. It made sense to me that their original product would have a more distinct taste. The barista told me I was right. The better-tasting coffee in the green-logoed cup was Via. The bitter stuff in the "fresh roasted" cup was Pike Place. The promotion continues tomorrow and Monday and you know I'll be back for more.

gorpedo factory

Smart people know not to go food shopping while hungry because of the impulse purchases that happen as a result. Apparently I am not a smart person.

Today I went to Walmart to buy some excellent peaches at 98¢ per pound. I saw an endcap display of trail mix that made me want some. I thought back to a year ago when we were filming "Fish Bait," which was the last time I had any trail mix. I also thought ahead to the two upcoming road trips to Virginia that my wife and I will be taking. It would be nice to have a treat for the car that was still deliciously decadent while better than the junk food available at convenience stores along the route.

The mixes were labeled Great Value, which I assume is a Walmart brand. I wanted something with lots of pineapple but the tropical mix also had coconut, which my wife can't eat. Another bag had white chocolate chips, which I reject totally. Even the real chocolate chips would be a bad choice in a hot car. The mix containing regular M&Ms gave me an idea. Why not make my own trail mix?

I wandered over to the dried fruit aisle and starting grabbing Great Value products. Raisins, banana slices and apricots were obvious choices. The only dried pineapple on the shelf was from Mariani. I took two bags of that. I tossed some apple slices, dried cherries and mixed berries into my basket. Next it was off to the snack aisle to get some mixed nuts and the only M&Ms worth their calories. I picked up a bag of peanut and a bag of regular Dark Chocolate M&Ms.

When I got home and combined all the ingredients, they filled two one-gallon Ziploc bags. Then I looked at the receipt and realized I not only had some of the best tasting trail mix of all time, I had some of the most expensive trail mix of all time.

just jivin' honey

The elusive deep-fried Oreo almost did it again. Last year I was unable to find one at the Tennessee Valley Fair. I thought I was going to be denied on Friday night too. While leaving the Homer Hamilton Theatre, I saw a sign that plainly said "Deep Fried Oreo's" and should be submitted to ApostropheAbuse.com. The woman in the booth said they had not yet received their Oreos and tried to sell me a funnel cake instead. No thanks.



My wife and I soon saw two friends who told us there were DFOs to be had elsewhere in the park. Their group had purchased a deep-fried sampler plate, which included an Oreo, a Snickers bar, a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and a glob of cookie dough. They could have also chosen a fried PB&J Jamz. Our friends agreed with my theory that of all the deep-fried treats, the Oreo is the best because it can take it. The candy bars tend to melt inside the batter. They sent me the following note and one of the pictures that they put on Facebook. I zoomed in for a close-up on the goods.

Here is the picture of the fried candy. Oreos, Snickers, and Reese's were yummy. Fried raw cookie dough was just weird. Cookie dough should either be cooked or raw, but fried raw was a strange no man's land of mushy goo.

I found what I was looking for at a different trailer. In addition to the usual fare food of burgers and hot dogs, they offered deep-fried Twinkies and Oreos. I had a deep-fried Twinkie once. It wasn't worth it because the filling, which is the best part, liquefied and was absorbed into the cake. Four deep-fried Oreos cost $3. I didn't need or want that many, so I convinced the guy to sell me two for $1.50.



The headliner at opening night of the fair was Rick Springfield. I was shocked to learn that he is 60 years old. I remember the time he came to KLOS and serenaded our phone screener Preva. During Friday's concert, Rick told the women in the audience to close their eyes while he changed shirts. A lot of the ladies knew to bring bouquets of roses, which he whipped against his guitar strings, showering rose petals upon the stage. I bet he always makes the salad at his house.



About an hour before the Springfield concert began, my wife and I wandered past a tent where a hypnotist was just starting his show. Terrance B asked everyone to close their eyes and imagine that their left hand held a heavy book while their right hand was tethered to a helium balloon. The book got heavier while the balloon went higher. I wasn't feeling it. My two hands had barely moved by the time Terrance walked by and selected my wife to follow him to the stage. She was one of about 16 people chosen. He made them think they were watching funny, sad and scary movies. A woman seated in the center of the row onstage was put back to sleep by Hypnodog, a border collie that stared her down.

millions of peaches, peaches for me

Having guests in the house last weekend gave us a reason to cook baby back ribs on the smoker for the first time in a long time. My wife made a dry rub from scratch, using a recipe she found online as a partial guide. She started with the ribs wrapped in foil to keep them moist during the long cooking process. A few holes in the top of the foil allowed the smoke inside.



After a while she opened the foil to apply a mop she had also made from scratch. She let them finish cooking without the foil. When the meat falls off the bone, the ribs are done. We were surprised that they were ready a few hours earlier than expected.



After the ribs were taken out of the smoke box, we put a grill into the fire box and cooked some peaches. If you've never tried this, I highly recommend it. Slice the peaches in half and brush them with oil before placing them over the fire. Keep an eye on them and flip them when you're satisfied with the way they look. Ours were perfect. We refrigerated two leftover halves in Ziploc bags and had them for breakfast the next day. They were just as good served cold.

boom boom pow

Most of the food being sold at the 2009 Boomsday Festival event was typical fair fare, such as corn dogs and funnel cakes. My wife and I spotted a logo that wasn't like the others. Mixed in among the signage was a banner for the tony Ruth's Chris Steak House. We each had a steakburger slider that was so good it didn't need condiments. The restaurant manager told us that the little burgers will debut on their happy hour menu tomorrow. Down the street, one of the guys handing out free Duke's Mayonnaise looked like Chris Daughtry to me.



My wife and I had the good fortune to watch the fireworks from the old Baptist Hospital, near where John Becker and Robin Wilhoit anchored WBIR's coverage. This year the smoke from the explosions drifted away from us, meaning we had a clear view of the spectacular "waterfall" effect off the Henley Street Bridge and the rockets that came up from the lake to the tune of "Smoke on the Water."



After wishing we had done so last year and the year before, we remembered to bring portable radios this year. While big speakers saturate Neyland Drive with sound, the music cannot be heard on the south side of the Tennessee River unless you bring your own receiver.



I was impressed with the Star 102.1 soundtrack this year. There was a three-song tribute to Michael Jackson and a good mix of today's hits and yesterday's favorites. (That's an inside joke for my radio friends.) My wife wanted to know the title and artist of the Christian rock song played near the end off the show. Out of curiosity, I clicked over to Yes.com to see if their bot had identified the tune. It was "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe. The site registered many, but not all, of the songs played.



My daughter and two of her friends traveled to East Tennessee to experience their first Boomsday this year. Although I've lived in Knoxville since 2002, this was only my fifth Boomsday. Thanks to my blog, I'm just a click away from the photos of my first Boomsday in 2005. I looked very different back then.

firework modulation

To prepare for tonight's Boomsday fireworks, I have been advising listeners to bring a portable radio to better hear the synchronized soundtrack on Star 102.1. It would be easier if all iPods and cell phones had FM tuners in them the way my Walkman does.

While our daughter and her friends were at Mass, my wife and I dug around my home office looking for some other FM radios and putting batteries in them. We found a total of three (including my Walkman) and figured that the five of us could share the six earbuds if we stood close enough together. Here's a little secret, the part of the soundtrack we hear is in mono. The guys from Pyro Shows use the right channel for the commands to fire each shell.

I was pleasantly surprised when the girls got back to find out that they had taken my advice. On the way home from church, they stopped at Walgreens and bought small FM radios for $3 each. One of my daughter's friends used her fancy camera to take a picture of two of them. I used my fancy springsuit to reduce the glare coming off the plastic package.

a real s'mouthful

The thought of Labor Day cookouts reminded me of a book I saw a few weeks ago at a silent auction. "S'mores" by Lisa Adams is full of mouth-watering photographs and recipes for gourmet marshmallow treats. The auction was part of the American Cancer Society benefit that brought Gilles Marini to town.

A Google Preview of the book shows s'mores made with pieces of fruit for a supposedly healthier snack. Other suggestions include using Milky Way Minis or Andes Mints instead of plain old Hershey's Bars.

The copy of the book I saw had a flyer for Plush Puffs Marshmallows inside the front cover. I didn't win the book at the auction but I did add it to my Amazon Wish List. The same publisher also has a book on homemade "Marshmallows" that looks good but would involve a lot more work than a s'more.

iCarly

Over the years, a few of my blog entries have covered topics similar to Carly Harrington's excellent "The Bottom Line" blog. She reports on the openings and closings of local businesses. I'm especially interested in her restaurant coverage. For example, I certainly thought of Carly when I happened to be the first person to show up on opening day at Two Sisters Sandwiches & Sweets.

A couple of things happened today that also reminded me of her column. I drove past Pup's Pit and noticed they had moved. A sign on the window announced that their new location is on Northshore Drive at Rocky Hill. The most obvious reason I thought of Carly was the notification I received this afternoon that knoxgirl75 had started following my Twitter feed. It's no wonder that Carly is thought of as "the face of newsroom innovation."

"The Bottom Line" crossed my mind last Friday when I attended the ribbon cutting ceremony at the new location for Academy Ballroom. As I was taking a picture of their new sign, another new sign caught my eye. Hard Knox Pizza recently opened a few doors down from the dance studio. I stopped in to look around and promised owners Dean and Jill that I would be back for a meal with my wife. I'll be sure to wave at their webcam.

you're not gone till you've been

The line to get in to Jack's Bar-B-Que on Broadway in Nashville was too long. My friends from Wise Brother Media had to catch a flight back to Los Angeles after the Morning Show Bootcamp. They wanted to grab a quick lunch and decided to keep walking down the street to someplace less popular. I went with them but made a mental note to come back to Jack's next time I was in Nashville.

Last week my wife and I were on our way home from Missouri. We were approaching Nashville around dinner time when I saw a billboard along I-24 for Jack's. The sign told us to exit on Trinity Lane, a couple of miles before we hit downtown. We found ourselves at Jack's other location in Talbot's Corner.



We ordered chicken for dinner but will positively plan ahead to have pork the next time. My wife ordered greens as her side item. I thought they might have been collard but they were probably turnip, based on what I read on Jack's website. The people behind me in line laughed when I couldn't identify which of the three varieties in front of me was chess pie. The other two were chocolate and pecan. Next time I'll try a piece of chess. Or should I say chess piece?

thanks for noticin'

A couple of things struck me as weird on store shelves in St. Louis. My wife and I went to Lowe's to make a copy of the key to Aunt Dee's apartment. It was the first time we had seen Disney's latest effort to reach the latchkey kid market. Several characters were represented but we felt that Eeyore was the most appropriate.



At a Shop 'n Save, we saw another product targeted toward children. The bottled water label must have said "Aquapod," however it looked worse. You tell me what you think it says. I was reminded of the Clean Smart sign and of the brave Alcoa lifeguards that I wrote about last year.

add Jesus as a friend?

Going to church this morning brought to mind three things, much like one of Fr. Ragan Schriver's homilies. In fact, one of his three things is one of my three things. In today's homily, Fr. Ragan told of some Mormon missionaries who once attended a weekday Mass at All Saints Church. Afterwards, they wanted to talk to him about their faith. He realized they were trying to convert him and joked that there might be bonus points for bringing a Catholic priest into the Mormon fold. Fr. Ragan said he admired that they were proud of their faith and that they dared to be counter-cultural.

My wife and I were reminded of the homily we heard last weekend in St. Louis. Fr. Gary Braun asked the question, "do you identify as Catholic on Facebook?" Somehow Fr. Gary was ahead of the curve. Today's Washington Post has an article called "Soul Searching on Facebook." It also ponders how Facebook users reply to the question about their religious views. Rather than choose the more common "Christian - Catholic" option on Facebook, both my wife and I typed in the more specific "Roman Catholic." There are 22 Eastern Catholic Churches In addition to the Roman (Western) Church.



One of the Eastern churches is the Byzantine Catholic Church. Coincidentally, this morning my wife and I went to Mass in a church where local Byzantine Catholics used to meet. The members of the Holy Resurrection Byzantine Catholic Mission now meet at the Chancery in Knoxville. Previously they worshiped at Holy Family Catholic Church in Seymour. Fr. Ragan Schriver has been temporarily assigned to Holy Family while their pastor is recuperating at Cornerstone of Recovery.



The quaint church was visible from a scenic street called Overlook Drive. Once inside, we immediately noticed two Byzantine icons on either side of the altar. Below the images of Jesus, Mary, St. John and St. Nicholas were bins filled with sand. Someone had traced a Russian cross into the sand of each box.



After Mass, I spotted Fr. Ragan's three things still on the ambo. A parishioner introduced herself and suggested that I also visit the "jail room" as she called it. Just off the small narthex was a room with an iron gate that resembled the door to a jail cell. Inside was the unusual confessional and two shelves holding several more Byzantine items, including two expensive wedding crowns.

floor plans

The ceremonial ribbon was cut at the new Academy Ballroom this afternoon. The dance studio has completed the move from desolate Downtown West to ritzy Western Plaza, which is close to Sequoyah Hills. The handsome new space allows for beginner and advanced classes to happen simultaneously in separate rooms.



The event was attended mostly by members of the Knoxville Chamber and by several dance instructors, who are independent contractors rather than employees of the studio. Among the refreshments offered were some key lime cupcakes, which were provided by Rhonda Becker. They had a very limey flavor, which I thought could have been in honor of studio owner Richard Bull, a good Englishman.



Jeremy Norris and Emily Loyless asked me to consider repeating (again) my comedic rumba routine with Emily at their Rocky Top Dance Challenge on September 19 at the Knoxville Marriott. That would give me only three weeks to practice. I am going to think about doing it though, because the event is a benefit for Family Promise of Knoxville, a great local charity.



My wife and I plan to attend the Grand Opening party at the new Academy Ballroom on Saturday night. They'll have drinks, hors d'oeuvres and live music. Dancing to live music is a challenge to me. I still have trouble finding the beat, as my wife discovered when we went to a few Brad Walker Orchestra shows at the Kerbela Temple. While the waltz and rumba have a basic box step that is in my comfort zone, it is the foxtrot and swing that I will mostly encounter in real world situations. Heather Tang promised to help me with some basic foxtrot steps at the party. We'll see if I can actually get the hang of it or not.

hey y'all

Elaine Streno, executive director of Second Harvest Food Bank, was impressed by the drawing power of Paula Deen. The Food Network star was in Knoxville today as Smithfield Foods made a meaty donation to feed the hungry. There was a strong turnout from donors and media members who wanted to meet the so-called "doyenne of Southern cooking."



Tearsa Smith from WATE and Beth Haynes from WBIR were on hand to interview Paula. I was fortunate enough to also get a chance to speak with her. I thought about having Paula autograph a stick of butter but decided on something more permanent. I printed a few pictures from my September 2005 blog entry about "Tricked Out Tailgating" and got Paula to sign one for me, one for a co-worker and one for the silent auction at next year's Radiothon.



Paula kept the picture of me with Michael Anthony Groover. In the interview, she said she's missing him while he rides his motorcycle in Washington.

woof!

The Webster-Kirkwood Times is the very definition of a family newspaper. A typical story might be "Cleaner Stream Thanks to Football Team" or "World War II Statue Dedicated at Jefferson Barracks Park." I enjoyed Mary Bufe's clever column on "swimsuit reform."

You can imagine my surprise when I got to page 20 of this week's issue and saw an article about a dog grooming business with an odd trade name. I know newspaper reporters are not that naïve. They must have known what they were printing. Maybe the business owners are laughing about the joke they perpetrated on the local community. Or could they possible not realize what they've done?

malt o meal

St. Louis has an interesting combination of restaurant chains that I recognized from my time living on the East Coast and on the West Coast. Just this past weekend, I saw White Castle, Del Taco, Jack in the Box, Church's Chicken, First Watch and El Pollo Loco.

The flame-grilled chicken at El Pollo Loco is a favorite of mine. Bill Smith, a former co-worker from KROQ met me there for dinner on Friday. Bill is now in a band called Glitch Factor. Our food beat the heck out of the supposedly grilled chicken I had at KFC a few weeks ago.

Without taking anything away from El Pollo Loco, the best meal of the weekend was not at a chain restaurant but at a St. Louis original. A former radio guy turned successful real estate agent, Bruce Butler, invited me to meet him for lunch at the Crown Candy Kitchen, a local institution since 1913. Bruce said the BLT and the milkshakes were "strong." He was right.

people pile

After every trip, I have some unused photos left on the memory chips in my phone and camera. Sometimes I remember why I took the picture, sometimes not. All I recall about seeing a bucket of Good Luck Mini Babies is that they freaked me out. They were in the gift shop at Clark's Trading Post in Lincoln, New Hampshire. I found out later that the same company makes a whole line of animal replicas, which I understand. But what are you supposed to do with tiny rubbery infants?

zip-a-dee-jay

The folks at Dollywood invited a few of us from the radio station to ride their new SkyZip ziplines. We brought along some lucky listeners too. The ziplines normally cost an additional $40 on top of the price of admission to the park.

The actual ride was pure joy. In fact, I've been on roller coasters that were less comfortable. The most difficult part of the experience was hiking uphill and that wasn't too bad at all. If I had a fear of heights, it might be a different story. I was comfortable walking off into thin air, knowing that the zipline would support me. The guides told us to lean back, like we were in a recliner.

The four zip lines form a rough square, so that we finished near where we started. Even though I wasn't wearing a microphone, I still made sure not to make any odd sounds like Beth Haynes did when she rode the ziplines.

There are photos of our group on the radio station's website. Here are a few of me, crossing the rope bridge and zipping away.

nothing but flowers

A week ago I bought milk at the Weigel's on Fox Lonas Road near All Saints Church. Today, the building was a pile of rubble.



The store that is no more gained notoriety in the Johnia Berry murder case. After Johnia and her roommate were both stabbed, the roommate ran to the nearby Weigel's for help. Sadly, it was too late to save Johnia.

I suspected something was up when I noticed the Michael Brady Inc. sign out front a few weeks ago. I hope the architecture firm will build a new Weigel's store with an innovative design. Maybe it will be as nice as the Weigel's on Campbell Station Road. That's one good looking Weigel's.

feast of the consumption

Even though Michele Silva has taken herself off the air and gone into sales, I was happy to continue my tradition of posing for a photo with her at Feast with the Beasts. She was sampling some foods with Beth Haynes, who was nice enough to have her picture made with me again (and again). My wife and I also enjoyed another visit with former WBIR reporter Jim Ragonese and his wife Jaime. We last saw them at an event I think of as "indoor Feast with the Beasts."



The most interesting thing that I saw at the annual fundraiser for the Knoxville Zoo was a woman in a leafy costume on stilts. My best guess is that she was dressed as kudzu. We watched her make several graceful moves. There's probably a ballet dancer or gymnast under that green makeup.



I could have used a zoo map to help me find some of the food booths that we heard about from other party goers. The ribs at Texas Roadhouse had completely fallen off the bone, as usual. Someone said to be sure to go to The Crown & Goose for raw oysters.



The "homemade" turkey and cranberry sandwiches at Kroger featured the Martha Stewart-like tip of the day. They used pretzel sticks as toothpicks to hold the sandwich together. By the way, somebody should tell the people who put together Kroger's current advertising campaign that a truly homemade TV commercial would look more like a YouTube video and less like Terry Gilliam's style of animation



My wife thought her piece of alligator from Bayou Bay Seafood House was too tough and too spicy however mine was just right. I normally don't like to eat reptiles because I am such a fan of them when they are alive. On the other hand, a cake shaped like a turtle would be perfect for me. The folks from Mango Cakes were auctioning off a sweet tortoise. They said it was a copy of a groom's cake they had made recently. Unfortunately it's pose reminded me of my beloved pet Mo after he had died but before I had him preserved.



One of the people we chatted with was a popular local Twitterer who goes by the name The Fool Monty. He and his wife warned that the gumbo at New Orleans on the River was very spicy, which made me want to try it all the more. They said the Cajun food was in a booth just past The Carousel. I was surprised that particular bar was represented at the event and wondered what they were serving. Turns out Monty meant a real carousel.

cookville

The women vastly outnumbered the men at the David Cook concert tonight. Well, at least they did in the first 15 or so rows at the Tennessee Theatre. The "American Idol" winner inspired girls to bring signs and dress up in shirts with his name. It was the 100th show on this tour and we all got free commemorative t-shirts.



My co-worker Gretchen and I introduced the show. We thought it would be funny if she tried to apply guyliner to me while I was reading the safety announcements. Unfortunately she forgot to bring her eyeliner. We had to use my wife's mascara instead. As she put some of the goop on my lashes, I said "David Cook doesn't wear mascara. Adam Lambert wears mascara!" The crowd loved it. In fact the audience was very receptive to Gretchen and me. As we posed for photos with listeners at intermission, I felt more like we were at a station event (such as a StarJam show) than at a "normal" concert.

Earlier in the day, Gretchen had interviewed David. She challenged him to learn to play "Rocky Top." He suggested that she bring a CD of the song for his sound guy to play as the band's intro music. Back at the radio station, I burned a disc with the song on it. We gave it to the right people and it got played just as David and the band took the stage. The sound guy was a little angry that I had mixed a Star 102.1 Go Vols jingle onto the front of the song. It turns out that he's a Florida Gator fan.

The concert was fantastic. He played mostly songs from his album and at least one that didn't make the cut, called "Souvenir." I got to hear my favorite David Cook song, "Come Back to Me." He referenced the way he had reinterpreted songs on "American Idol" before launching into an unrecognizable cover version of Cutting Crew's "(I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight."



At the meet and greet after the show, David said he was surprised by the dance mix of Rocky Top. He expected it to sound like a John Denver song. I explained that I brought the version we play on our station, not the version they play on the old-school country station up the dial.



Several fans waited in the street outside David's tour bus after the show. I didn't notice the girl with the Gene Simmons tongue until after I got home and looked at the photos on my computer.

preparation r

A sticker on the packages of cupcakes at Sam's Club seemed weird to me. Rather than buttercream icing, the cakes and cupcakes are decorated with something called But-R-Creme.



Either some of the packages could have qualified for Fail Blog or I did not recognize what white chocolate looks like nowadays.

sacré veinard

"Who is Gilles Marini?" asked one of my Facebook friends when I posted that I was going to interview him. I assumed everyone knew the debonair Frenchman from "Dancing with the Stars."



He may have lost to Shawn Johnson but his career has definitely benefited from the exposure. He is soon to be seen on "Brothers & Sisters." Thanks to his good looks, he was asked by record producers if he could sing and is now working on recording an album. I was interested in his childhood because I read that he practically grew up in a bakery. Mmm... cake.

Anyhow, I played some highlights of my interview with Gilles on the air this morning. The Internet gives me the opportunity to post the entire 8 minute interview for all the Gilles fanatics out there. The best part is probably when he says he learned English from listening to hip-hop music. Really.



After I put down the Zoom H2 Handy Recorder, I asked Gilles to show me some moves I could take to the dance floor.

down by the schoolyard

It was a Julie, Julie and Julia weekend for my wife and me. On Saturday night we laughed a lot at the very funny Julie Scoggins. She performed at Side Splitters Comedy Club. It would be well worth your time to see her show the next time she's in town.

On Sunday, we saw the terrific new movie "Julie & Julia." I really enjoy watching Amy Adams in just about anything. One of my family's favorite films is her first, "Drop Dead Gorgeous." The real Julie Powell's blog is still online. If you had the time, you could go back to the beginning and read the whole thing.

Once again, it was loads of fun to hear Meryl Streep's voice. Certain syllables rang especially true. The only thing missing for me was the John Morris theme song I remember from later episodes of "The French Chef." The theme music used in the movie was the same as in a black and white 1964 episode that PBS has posted online. They had time for Dan Aykroyd's memorable "Saturday Night Live" parody but not the music I wanted to hear.

Julia Child came to KLOS once. Around that time, we had a string of food experts on as guests on the Mark & Brian show and I was looking for ways to set their segments apart. When Debbi Fields came in, I had her book publicist send along a food stylist who set up little Pyrex dishes with various ingredients. While she was being interviewed, Mrs. Fields mixed together a batch of cookie dough. Emeril Lagasse was also promoting a book. I arranged with a nearby IHOP for all of us to show up and have Emeril surprise some patrons. He added some "Bam" to their breakfasts while broadcasting live.

Before Julia Child's visit, I thought about what would be the most intimidating thing when meeting a famous chef. She would be promoting a new "Baking with Julia" cookbook. I challenged Mark and Brian to each choose a page at random. They had to prepare the dishes at home and serve them to Julia the next morning. Either the food tasted good or Julia played along. She was nothing but gracious to us all.

punt, pass & cake

Maybe Google Maps was in a playful mood the other day. All I wanted were the directions to Comcast's office on Asheville Highway. Google said I should take I-640. I wanted to see if it would be faster to go through downtown on I-40. I dragged the blue line from 640 to 40 but Google had me getting off the Interstate and taking surface streets. I dragged it back and Google reacted with yet another detour. It took me a moment to realize that the almighty Google doesn't know that SmartFIX40 has been completed since June 12th.



I had been invited to a press conference on the day that additions to Comcast's sports line up were activated. They now carry ESPNU on channel 735. Their high speed Internet customers now get access to ESPN360.com at no additional charge. Locally, Comcast will televise seven high school football games. The last game of the season will be chosen by viewers' votes at www.comcastfanchoice.com. If you don't have a dog in that fight, do me a favor and vote for Bearden at Catholic once the season starts.

The food at the press conference was themed like a tailgate party. They had mini corn dogs, chips, dip, sandwiches and a cake. The cake was actually two cakes. A football made of pound cake sat atop a field made of sheet cake. I wonder if they got the idea to use pound cake from watching "Cake Boss."

debbie dogs

A link in yesterday's post about my "portable birthday cake" led back to something I wrote four years ago about Twinkies. Back then I was griping about Hostess Cakes being overpriced. While at Walmart the other day, I saw some Little Debbie products that are low-cost alternatives to their competitors.

Obviously Golden Cremes look like Twinkies. The Chocolate Cremes look somewhat like Oreo Cakesters and a little bit like Whoopie Pies.



I wonder if there is any difference in the flavor of Marshmallow Pies and the famous MoonPies. The real thing is usually too dry for my taste.



Most interesting to me was the box of Devil Cremes. They look like Drake's Devil Dogs, a childhood favorite of mine but could they taste as good? Even at that low price, I resisted the temptation to buy them. I've had more than enough sweet treats lately and didn't want to buy a box of six. If I do buy some, maybe I'll eat one Devil Creme and freeze the other five for later, like I did two years ago with Reduced Fat Devil Dogs.

mush!

A recent movie reminded me of the trip that is responsible for my quest to visit all fifty states. My wife and I saw "The Proposal" after it had been out for a couple of weeks. I really liked it and was pleasantly surprised that the trailer didn't give too much away. Most of the film is set in Sitka, Alaska, although the credits indicate that it was actually filmed in Massachusetts. The beautiful mountains in the background were added by a special effects company in Boston.

When my mother and my sister invited me to meet them in Anchorage, I had nothing but time on my hands. The Comedy World Radio Network had gone bankrupt and I had not yet landed my first job in Knoxville. I arranged my flights from Burbank to Anchorage with a 24 hour layover in Seattle so I could visit my friend Bean and his wife Donna.

My mother had a Sony Mavica camera at the time. Before the trip, I bought a package of 3.5 inch disks to use as "film" in case I saw a moose. The only moose I saw was a baby at the Big Game Alaska Wildlife Center, which now has the more politically correct name Alaska Wildlife Conservation Center. I remember buying two Christmas ornaments in their gift shop.



We saw some animals in their natural habitat during a wildlife cruise through the Kenai Fjords. The ship sailed past some cool-looking glaciers, pardon the pun, and a Dall's porpoise swam alongside.



The best part of the vacation was a Denali (that's Mt. McKinley to the non-Alaskans) "flightseeing trip" aboard a Talkeetna Air Taxi. The little Cessna landed on a glacier with a good view of the mountain. We got out of the plane and walked around. I used the opportunity to eat the "portable birthday cake" that my wife and kids had put in my luggage.



I didn't know it at the time, but on the way to Talkeetna, we passed right by Wasilla. Unfortunately, it is not possible to see Russia from there, no matter what Tina Fey says.



By the time I got home, I had been to 25 states, including the two hardest-to-reach ones. I set a personal goal to visit the rest within ten years. When my wife and kids were ready to move from California to Tennessee, we routed our trip mostly along I-70 instead of I-40 so I could add Utah, Colorado, Kansas, Missouri and Kentucky to my list. As you probably know, my current tally is 43 down, 7 to go.

lap land

When my daughter and I got new laptops a few years ago, my wife got stuck with our daughter's old computer. The keyboard doesn't work, so she has a desktop keyboard plugged into a USB port. The battery has no life left, so she has to keep it plugged in to the wall. Sometimes it overheats and shuts itself off right in the middle of whatever she's doing. Fortunately, an article in USA Today tipped us off that Walmart was putting a limited number of laptops on sale for $298 on Sunday morning.



Walmart was like a ghost town at 8:00 a.m. on Sunday. At least the one in West Knoxville was. Meanwhile my wife was waiting in line at a different Walmart in Northern Virginia. Each person was given a ticket to show their place in line. My wife was the eleventh person there. The advertisement said each store would have a minimum of ten laptops. Fortunately that store had about 60 laptops available. If they had run out, I was on standby to buy one in Tennessee. She paid 5% sales tax instead of the 9.25% I would have paid in Knoxville, a savings of $12.67.



As you can see, the Site to Store display was much nicer in Knoxville. They still had ten computers left when I got there around 8:15. I would have gotten there sooner if I hadn't wasted time looking in the electronics department first. One of the employees told me they started with 21 bargain laptops and had already sold some that morning. They also sold some by mistake at midnight, eight hours too early. Meanwhile in Virginia, the sales clerk asked why my wife was taking pictures. Apparently the answer, "they're for my husband's blog," was perfectly satisfactory.



My wife is pretty happy that she has a new "lappy." She won't get to put her new Compaq Presario CQ60-419WM Notebook PC through its paces until after it has been on the charger overnight.

hear the drums echoing tonight

Today was the last Sunday before moving day for many priests around the diocese. The reassignments announced in May will take effect on August 1.

At All Saints Catholic Church, there was a farewell reception for Fr. Augustine Idra after the 11:45 Mass. He is going to be chaplain of Notre Dame High School and associate pastor of Our Lady of Perpetual Help in Chattanooga. They put his new mailing address in the bulletin for those parishioners who prefer to stay in touch via snail mail.

Fr. Michael Woods was the celebrant of the 11:45. At the end of Mass, he invited Fr. Augustine to come forward from the narthex while he made some moving remarks about his brother priest's birth during wartime in Sudan. Fr. Augustine sat down in one of the pews, right next to me. I gave him a nudge and whispered that he should step up to the altar and say something. His remarks were heartfelt and emotional. He repeated the joke he made on his first day at the parish, that all white people look alike.

The long receiving line in the parish hall reminded me of when Fr. Chris Michelson left the parish. They had cake and some other snacks. My friend Mike, who works for the Knoxville Symphony, brought his accordion and played the Chicken Dance in honor of Fr. Augustine. The beloved African priest is known for his rendition of the dance at many parish functions.



At the reception, I had a chance to visit with one of my favorite patient families from the annual Radiothon for Children's Hospital. Many listeners were moved to tears when their little Lindsey Ann said that the doctors took the cancer out and made her a princess. Lindsey was running around the parish hall until it was time to have her picture taken with Fr. Augustine.

A parishioner named Jane, whom I had met a few years ago, came up to me and said she had recently met my aunt and uncle. Wondering how that could have happened, I asked if she had confused me with someone else. No, she was sure it was me. Jane and her husband Ken were on a Mediterranean cruise aboard the Noordam and had dinner with a couple from Virginia. When the subjects of Knoxville and Catholicism came up, the man from Virginia asked the lady from Tennessee if she knew his nephew, which turned out to be me. She did.

Christmas in July

To remember our travels, my wife and I like to collect Christmas ornaments from the places we visit. They make perfect souvenirs because the memories are refreshed each year when the ornaments are unpacked. Sometimes it's difficult to find holiday decorations during our summer trips. Last year Byron Chesney helped me track down an ornament from Hot Springs, Arkansas.



We assumed there would be plenty of New Hampshire ornaments at Clark's Trading Post but didn't see any while we were there. Somebody working in the gift shop suggested it was the wrong time of year to be looking. Yeah, I know.

We did not find one at Lake Winnipesaukee either because we were too busy looking for a place to change out of our wet bathing suits. I'll have to contact some of the gift shops at Weirs Beach to see if I can order one over the phone or Internet since the lake was my wife's favorite part of the trip.

It was easy to find an ornament at our first stop in Vermont, Sugarbush Farm. At the time I thought it unusual that they would sell Virginia Tech magnets up there. Oh, wait.



It was a little harder to find one in Maine. We stopped at a few stores before finding Moody’s Giftshop, where we bought a miniature lobster trap that could easily be hung on the tree.



My wife found a brass ornament she liked at the Lexington visitors center. Its shiny surface made it as hard to photograph as a mirror. Eventually I got the idea to position so it would reflect some leaves. It is from the Lexington Battle Green after all.



At Hershey's Chocolate World, we bought a heavily discounted Kurt Adler ornament. Years from now we may find it confusing that the ornament says we went to Hershey a year earlier than we actually did.

in this corner

When you're looking for a great cupcake, the first place that comes to mind is probably a bakery like Magpies or a specialty shop like The Cupcakery. Another contender has emerged in the most unlikely of places; a little shack on Middlebrook Pike called Two Sisters Sandwiches & Sweets.

I happened to stop by Two Sisters on their first day of business. Shortly before my vacation, a nice write-up by Carly Harrington reminded me it had been a while since I promised Ruby and Dixie that I would return. The opportunity presented itself yesterday. The sisters told me they will soon have a new signpost. They also plan to paint the gray cinder block exterior with a brighter color.



I got a great pulled chicken sandwich for only $2.50. For dessert, I chose a banana cupcake with chocolate icing. The sisters insisted that I also try one of their Death by Chocolate cupcakes, saying it was their best. Another customer swore by their Red Velvet cupcakes. There's no place to eat at the shack, so I took the food home for lunch. The cupcakes got knocked around a bit when the bag fell over in my car but still tasted great.



Banana cake has always been a favorite flavor of mine and I would definitely order one of the cupcakes again. However, the ladies were right about Death by Chocolate. I cut it up and shared it with my son, who agreed that it was outstanding. The frosting was perfect, the cake was moist and the chocolate chips interspersed throughout were a nice surprise.

lex men

Eleven days before the anniversary of the moon landing, I went to the place where I watched the historic moonwalk as a child. My grandparent's cottage in Noyac was unrecognizable after the renovations by the new owner. While we were on Long Island, we were able to visit with my sister.

She had accumulated several old family photos that I hadn't seen in years. When she went into the city to run an errand, my wife and I removed some of the pictures out of their frames and took them to the CVS in Southampton. We scanned them at the Kodak Picture Kiosk and had them back in their frames before my sister returned.

Here are three pictures of my father from three stages of his career. He started as a newspaperman, eventually covering the New York State legislature for UPI. He served as assistant press secretary to Governor Nelson Rockefeller for a couple of years before moving into public relations. I liked the dramatic lighting in the third shot. My sister thought it might have been taken at the Cloud Club atop the Chrysler Building. I think the other man on the stairs is probably William Gaskill, my dad's boss at the p.r. firm.

cool summer

The unusually mild weather this past weekend inspired me to try on something I had been saving for the Fall. I eyed it on a previous visit to Sam's Club but didn't buy it right away. When I returned a few weeks ago and saw there was only one left in my size and at a reasonable price, I snatched it up.



In the hopes of extending my swimming season, I bought a Sea-Doo Springsuit. It's similar to a wetsuit, except with short sleeves. I foolishly thought the zipper went in the front. When my wife and son stopped laughing, they told me to go back upstairs and turn it around.



Once I got the suit on right, I started swimming laps but not before pretending to be a superhero. When I wear it again, I will have to get used to three unusual sensations. The suit made me more buoyant, which was great. However the air and water that got trapped felt weird as they escaped. The air bubbles rode up my spine and out the collar as I swam. The water that got trapped in the suit ran down my legs when I got out of the pool, which would be no big deal except that it had been warmed to body temperature and felt like something else.

cupcake break

There is no way I could try every sweet treat that I saw on our trip. But I like window shopping for cupcakes even if I don't get to taste them. Here are some we saw at Hershey's Chocolate World on the second day of our trip...



...and some we saw at the Blue Duck Bakery Café in Southampton on the eighth day of the trip.

candyland

On the northbound leg of our vacation road trip, we stopped for lunch in Pennsylvania at Hershey's Chocolate World. We got salads for lunch and a S'mores Cup to share for dessert. It was basically a pile of sawdust-like graham cracker crumbs under a layer of melted chocolate which was covered with a layer of mini-marshmallows and a drizzle of chocolate on top. It tasted fine but could have benefited from being stirred before the marshmallows were added.



I saw a family ordering ice cream cones and couldn't believe my eyes. Here they were inside Hershey's Chocolate World and they ordered plain vanilla cones. One of them was happy to comply when I asked if I could photograph the insanity.



A few other treats caught my eye. The peanut butter cookies were decorated with Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. The Chocolate Iced Chocolate Mini Cakes appeared to actually be slices of cake covered in icing on all sides. I think local supermarkets that sell cake by the slice could steal this idea and add more icing.



When we saw the display of Hershey's Barbies, my son said, "I thought she would be bigger."

opening of an envelope

The last thing I really needed after my vacation was a scoop of ice cream but I couldn't say no to the invitation. Josh and Kara Lovett, owners of Soups and Scoops Café, wrote to say that their five-year-old son would be especially thrilled if I showed up. Of all the people there, little Joshua was the only one who knew the full names of the morning show and radio station where I work.

The invitation also indicated that there would be prayer service at 1:00 p.m. last Sunday. My wife and I made sure to arrive in time for that. Josh's father David read a blessing for businesses from St. Brigid in three parts. He started outside on the sidewalk, continued just inside the front door and then concluded in the work area. David appeared to have a rosary made from knotted cord in his hands. He showed me that each "decade" had only seven knots instead of the ten that I expected. It was an Anglican Rosary, which he gets from the Sisters of the Transfiguration in Cincinnati.

The Lovetts bought the business a few months ago. They are celebrating their grand re-opening this week with different specials each day. Thursdays are Bring Your Own Banana Day for discounts on banana splits. This weekend they are offering buy-one-get-one-free deals on Hilton Head Ice Cream. Soups and Scoops is the only place around selling Hilton Head. The Lovetts make the ice cream in their shop. I asked for a half-scoop of Bananas Foster and a half-scoop of Death by Godiva. Fortunately it was a less-than-lethal dose.

citiots and faddicts

When she saw that I would be on Long Island for a day, my friend Jessica told me to be on the lookout for the guys from "Royal Pains," a new series on USA Network about a so-called concierge doctor in the Hamptons. I had to admit that I had never seen the show. Jessica has good taste in TV, so I made a mental note to try it. I didn't have to wait long.

After we ate the lobsters we had purchased in Newport the day before, we looked for something to watch on TV. I got the idea to see if Cablevision had as good an on-demand menu as Comcast does back home. Sure enough, the first several episodes were available. We watched the 88-minute pilot and the 44-minute second episode. On-demand shows have limited commercials. Now that I'm home, I have watched the third episode via on-demand and set up my DVR to catch the new episodes. Yes, I like the show and I'm hooked.

How do the locals feel about the way "Royal Pains" portrays them? According to Dan's Papers, the president of Southampton Hospital doesn't like the way the fictional hosptial on the show is called a "taco stand" and "the local cemetery."

Before our evening visiting with my sister, eating lobster and watching TV, my family and I walked around Southampton and Sag Harbor. On the way out of a favorite pizza place, my wife saw some almond cookies and thought they looked like they were covered with maggots. I thought they would be great for a party at the Body Farm.



Are you interested in buying a house in the Hamptons? At The Morley Agency, $3.95 million will get you a place on a "most coveted lane."



A few doors down at the Hampton Road Gallery, there was a photo in the window of some guy wearing a Tennessee shirt. Is he a famous artist that I don’t recognize?



My friend Bean could see this either bad news or good news. Is it a sign that the USPS is in trouble or is it the perfect way for Bean to spend his next vacation? The Southampton Post Office is for rent.

east ender

Because we had a reservation, we had to make sure we got from Newport to New London in time to catch the 6:00 p.m. Cross Sound Ferry to Orient Point. The boat was almost exactly the same as the ferry we took from Bridgeport to Port Jefferson on our road trip two years ago. This time we also took two smaller ferries to get us from Greenport to Shelter Island to North Haven. From there, it's a short drive to Sag Harbor and Noyac.

Once we were on Long Island, I tuned the car radio to the so-bad-it’s-good WLNG, which does stream online if you want to hear it for yourself. Rusty Potz would ask a TV trivia question, start a song and then interrupt the song a moment later to say "we have a winner, no more calls please."

I was saddened to hear of the passing of 92.1 WLNG's legendary Paul Sidney. Somehow I find it appropriate that he died on April Fool's Day. Or, depending on who you ask, April 2, which was the 92nd day of the year.

When my wife and I honeymooned in the Hamptons, Paul gave us a tour of Broadcast House and then gave us a ride in their newest mobile unit. He drove us to Main Street in Sag Harbor where Alan Alda was filming a scene from "Sweet Liberty." I had a chance to tell Alda that my father knew him when they were both enrolled at Fordham University. In subsequent years, we would vacation in the Hamptons and go see Paul at the Southampton Fourth of July parade. Long Island won't be the same without him.

on the Rhode again

Massachusetts and Rhode Island were part of our itinerary two years ago during my son's college search. We made a three thousand mile road trip that circled from Knoxville to the Midwest, the Northeast and back to Tennessee. This year we did a 2,500 mile circuit to New England as part of my quest.

In 2007, Massachusetts was a "do over" for me. Technically, I had been in the state as a kid when my parents took us to a Boston Pops concert at Tanglewood. Two years ago we made a campus visit and drove through Boston although we really didn't have time to do anything touristy. This past Tuesday we ate dinner in Lowell at a popular local chain called The Ninety Nine, which is owned by O'Charley's. The next morning we had time to do a quick "drive by" at Lexington and Concord.



The Lexington Battle Green is in the middle of a suburban setting. It almost looks like a nondescript city park. The visitor center has a helpful diorama of the battle and a gift shop, where my wife bought a Christmas ornament. If we weren't rushing off to a lunch appointment with a college friend of mine, we would have done more than just drive through Minute Man National Historical Park in Concord.

After lunch, we headed to Rhode Island for another "do over." In 2007, we took I-295 around Providence, stopping only at a Panera Bread. This time, we took Route 24 into Newport to see the mansions on the Ten Mile Drive.



Right before we got to the Claiborne Pell Bridge, my son spotted a big red lobster above the door of Long Wharf Seafood. We had heard that lobsters might be cheap in Newport and we had promised my sister we would get some if the price was right. A chalkboard out front advertised "New Shell Lobsters $4.99 a pound."



Once we got inside, a very friendly clerk named Eddie informed us that new shell lobsters are a little deceiving. The claw may look big but the meat inside has not yet grown to fill it. Just for fun, he showed us the biggest lobster in the tank.



As we did the calculations to see how many lobsters we needed for four people, Eddie sensed that we were looking for a bargain. While I played with the behemoth, Eddie suggested we buy five culls for $33, which he would pack in ice for us to eat the next day. A cull is a lobster that is missing a claw and can't be sent to a restaurant or supermarket. He even threw in a bullet, which is what he called a lobster with no claws. Other places call it a pistol. You could always just ask for a nice piece of tail.

oh thank heaven

Happy 7-Eleven Day! My friend Bean and I used to make regular trips across the street to the 7-Eleven on Lee Highway when we both worked at WAVA. Bean was such a fan that he... uh... obtained a 7-Eleven doormat for his home.



My family and I pulled into a 7-Eleven to gas up this afternoon on the last leg of our road trip. While I filled the tank, my wife and son went inside and noticed that they were giving away free 7.11 ounce Slurpees. They tried pouring a few flavors that weren't yet frozen before having success with a blue one that was labeled "Strawberry Pineapple Lime." Go figure.



I've been told that certain blue clothes enhance my eye color. Do you think a blue tongue makes my eyes pop too?