a couple of random TV notes

On Tuesday night's "Jimmy Kimmel Live" there was a train wreck of an interview with Vivica A. Fox. She seemed really mad at him for all his jokes about Star Jones' wedding. Vivica left after her segment. After the break, they kept the camera on a two shot of Jimmy and the empty guest chair. Lloyd Grove led off his column with the incident.

The new promo for "Alias" makes me worry about the future of one of my favorite shows:

"(gunfire sfx) These were the sounds (tires screech) of Sydney Bristow's life. (baby crying) Until now. Alias. The new season begins Thursday September 29th. 8, 7 Central. Only on ABC."

If you listen carefully I think you can also hear the sound of a motorboat, some water-skis and a swimming shark.

My friend Jessica pointed out that former WAVA intern Greg Garcia is the creator of "My Name is Earl." Check out this Boston Globe article about how the critics hated "yes, dear" but are praising Greg's new show.

too bad nobody else is watching

INXS should just give their lead singer job to MiG Ayesa right now. He's clearly the best of the candidates plus he already has an Australian accent. Having said that, I enjoy "Rock Star: INXS" more and more with each episode so I want them to stretch it out for a while. I even stayed up late to watch it after I got home from tonight's Einstein Simplified show.

better than raking leaves

Every year at this time I get excited about the new Fall TV season. I study the schedule grid and try to decide which shows I will watch and which ones I will record on the TiVo. This year I would like to open my choices to debate. Are there shows you're excited about that I'm overlooking? Are there shows I should drop?

It looks like I can spend Friday and Saturday nights watching the stuff I recorded throughout the week. I didn't notice anything worthwhile either night. I think I will drop two shows I used to watch regularly, "The Bernie Mac Show" and "Malcolm in the Middle," which both air on Fridays this year. On Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays there are too many good shows on at the same time. I've listed them in order of preference, which is also open to debate. I will have our two TiVos working overtime, especially on Thursdays.

Here's my planned viewing/recording schedule. New shows are marked with an asterisk. Obviously a new show may not live up to my expectations and could get dropped. What do you think?

Sunday
8pm Cold Case (CBS)
9pm Desperate Housewives (ABC)
10pm Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO)
10:30pm Extras* (HBO)

Monday
8pm Arrested Development (FOX)
8:30pm How I Met Your Mother* (CBS)
9pm Prison Break* / 24 (FOX)
10pm CSI: Miami (CBS)

Tuesday
8pm Bones* (FOX)
9pm The Amazing Race (CBS)
9pm My Name is Earl* (NBC)
9:30pm The Office (NBC)

Wednesday
8:30pm yes, dear (CBS) (created by a former WAVA intern!)
9pm Lost (ABC)
9pm Veronica Mars (UPN)
9pm Criminal Minds* (CBS)
10pm CSI: New York (CBS)

Thursday
8pm Smallville (WB)
8pm Alias (ABC)
8pm Survivor (CBS)
8pm Everybody Hates Chris* (UPN)
9pm CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (CBS)
9pm Night Stalker* (ABC)
9pm Reunion* (FOX)

it's what Billy Squier uses to keep his pants up

How come none of my friends told me about the "Luther Burger" before today? Maybe they thought it was an urban legend or maybe they didn't want me to find out that I live in the "Stroke Belt!" Thankfully Marc & Kim are going to cook some tomorrow.

do the math: 18 x 37 = ?

No family wants their loved one's funeral turned into a protest. If only the preacher conducting these protests had something else to get upset about. We could probably get him worked up over having the number of the beast ($6.66) printed on every book of 37 cent stamps sold in this country.

great googly moogly!

Google search results change frequently as new things are posted on the Internet. I got a laugh yesterday when somebody contacted me because one of my blog entries was the top result when they searched for "America's Cleanest Comic." That got me wondering which other phrases will bring this blog to the top of Google's results. How about a search for "Coldest Beer in USA" or maybe "Distributors Of Ridiculous Knowledge"?

this one time at band camp

Sunday's News Sentinel had a long article about the audition process for the marching band at UT. Even if you're like me and don't play an instrument, the story is very interesting. The newspaper's website has a video presentation that illustrates how the band members end up with bloody calves from doing the "flash step." In the article, the UT Chancellor tells the band that the football team is number 3 in the country but that the band is number 1. With a director named Gary Sousa, how could they be anything less?

sad and bizarre

Last month a troubled North Knoxville man was involved in a shootout with police officers who were responding to a 911 call about an attempted suicide. The TV stations identified the man as William Wagner but did not mention that he was a weekend deejay at the local oldies station. The name he uses on the air is "Jeff Summers." He occasionally did a fill-in weekday shift right after me. I remember that he would show up for work 30 minutes early so he could talk about radio and tell me how he knew Rick Dees in Memphis. One news report quoted a neighbor who said that Wagner was "always speaking," which is consistent with what I knew of him. I pray that he will find peace.

add your own punch line

The "Coldest Beer in USA" sign will catch your eye when you drive past JoAnn's on Andrew Johnson Highway.



The beer is so cold that...

...you don't get drunk, you get brain freeze
...it's called Bud Dry Ice
...Ted Williams' head drinks it

let's return to the classics

During the '80s and '90s we all added phone numbers. In addition to our home numbers, we got a direct dial number at work, a fax number, a cell number and maybe a pager. Some of us got a second phone line at home for our modems. By 1999, I had two lines at home, a cell phone and direct voice and fax lines at work. There were five different phone numbers just to reach me. No wonder the phone companies complained about running out of numbers. They took the area codes we used to know and split them into fragments. The (626) was carved out of the (818). (540) was broken off from (703). (631) was amputated from (516). And then came those annoying area code overlays. This happened all over the country. You could no longer recognize an area code by the 1 or 0 in the middle. Phone numbers themselves can now start with three digit combinations that used to be reserved for area codes.

Technology columnist Kevin Maney writes this week that a melding of Wi-Fi and cell phones is coming. We will have a combination home phone and cell phone that only uses one number. Companies could issue phones to employees that are combination office phones and cell phones using only one number.

If each person will have fewer phone numbers, maybe we can start a campaign to get rid the lame newer area codes and go back to the classics. Remember when (212) meant New York City; (213) meant Los Angeles; (214) meant Dallas and so on? Now you need a chart to tell where you are calling. I don't remember them now but I can't be the only person who used to know the U.S. area codes by heart. Maybe it was a precursor of my invitation to join D.O.R.K.

what if I just whistle the jingle?

Here's an email that was sent to our improv group [with my comments in red]:

Hello, Einstein Simplified!

I'm writing to you from Teamworks Media, a production company based in Chicago. We are coming down to UT Knoxville next week to film a series of national commercial spots for Old Spice High Endurance Body Wash. (Last year we were down there for a similar campaign, and had a blast!)

This campaign is searching for "America's Cleanest Comic," and I am looking for the three funniest guys on campus to tell clean jokes to the crowds tailgating at the football game on Saturday, Sept. 3rd. Each guy will get three commercial spots built around him, with the possibility of two more spots and a free trip to Vegas if he is indeed voted "America's Cleanest Comic."

We are looking for three outstandingly funny improv guys (who don't have to be students, by the way, [I'm in!] but should look like they possibly could be) [I'm out!] to mix with the crowd, do funny bits, and tell a clean joke [I'm back in!] while in a portable shower! (Swim trunks [I'm out!], robes, and rubber chickens [I'm in!] will be provided!)

There is no pay [I'm back out!], but it's a fun day and the guys get a lot of exposure and some good stories. I'm wondering if you may know anyone who is interested, or how I would best announce auditions (I will be holding them on Thursday, September 1st on campus).

The university is a great partner of ours, and we're looking forward to a fun couple of days. How do I find the funniest guys in Knoxville??

Thanks for you help... I look forward to hearing from you!

Sincerely,

Amanda LaFollette
Associate Producer
Teamworks Media

Sounds perfect for Brad Bumgardner!

you thought Seinfeld liked cereal

The guys from Bowling for Soup are doing a concert in Austin that will be shown live in movie theaters around the country on Tuesday night. Let's hope that Chris Burney wears a shirt that shows off his breakfast cereal icon tattoos:

money making idea

Shoney's and the NCMEC sponsor a KidCare Photo ID program in Knoxville. Parents bring their kids to the mall to be photographed and fingerprinted as a way to help police should a child ever go missing. Kim Hansard says the kids don't enjoy being fingerprinted, which leads to my big idea: flavored, edible fingerprint ink. What kid wouldn't want to stick their hand into some chocolate or grape or cherry flavored ink? After the ten card is collected, the kids can lick their fingers clean. If Shoney's ever drops out, KFC could sponsor it and return to their "finger lickin' good" slogan. The whole experience could inspire more children to study criminology than the CSI home game.

radio gets press coverage!

Analyst Leland Westerfield says "there's zero awareness" of digital radio. A huge article in USA Today should help.

please define "longer"

While in the waiting area at Hosenfeld Chiropractic the other day, I saw the latest issue of Readers Digest. The headline "Laugh More, Live Longer" is right next to a photo of the late Johnny Carson.

today's obscure references

Last week I took some ribbing for mentioning Bananas In Pajamas on the radio. Today a plug for an upcoming Jack Johnson concert caused me to blurt out a reference to G. Love & Special Sauce. Later in the show, a conversation about steroids turned to Carrot Top. I tried to make a point that there are very few prop comics. Marc mentioned Gallagher and I came up with Marty Putz (official site coming soon).

The following email from Rich Hailey made me feel a little better about myself:

I was listening to the radio this morning and heard Marc giving you a hard time for bringing up useless information.

I'’d therefore like to extend an invitation to you to enter the hallowed ranks of the ancient order of the Distributors Of Ridiculous Knowledge, or D.O.R.K.

If you choose to accept this high honor, your welcome packet will include a personalized pocket protector, an HP3 calculator, and an autographed life size poster of our hero, Pitney Bowes spokesmodel and patron saint, John Ratzenberger, AKA Cliff Clavin from "Cheers" and Maj. Bren Derlin from "The Empire Strikes Back." (That should be enough useless information to make Marc'’s head explode!)

I accept! I accept!

horn tooting

Terry Morrow of the News Sentinel was kind enough to post a link to this little blog today. Thanks Terry!

I think that makes four links, the others being from Rich Hailey, Les Jones and my bio page on the Einstein Simplified site. If you know of any others, please pass them along.

let the tabloids speculate on this

For some reason, several of my friends have emailed to tell me that Jenny McCarthy is getting divorced.



I swear I had nothing to do with it.

who is home watching TV during Boomsday?

When I was in second grade, my teacher called me the "walking talking TV Guide." I would always remind her when it was time for the class to watch a specific educational program on PBS. I used the TV Guide like other people use a Week At-A-Glance planner.

I was looking ahead at my TiVo schedule when I noticed something different about this year's Boomsday coverage. It made me wonder, will anyone show up on the wrong day for Boomsday?

For many years Boomsday was held on Labor Day. This year it's on the Sunday night of Labor Day weekend. For many years WBIR-TV broadcast the Boomsday fireworks live. This year they will show prerecorded pyrotechnics on Labor Day. (Last year Boomsday was held on the Saturday of Labor Day weekend due to a conflict with the UT football schedule.) Somebody might look at their TV listings and mistakenly think that Boomsday moved back to Monday night and that WBIR is carrying it live.

Most people will get the message by listening to Star 102.1, which will broadcast the synchronized soundtrack to the fireworks on Sunday night. While hundreds of thousands of us will be watching and listening live on Neyland Drive, WBIR will be carrying a NASCAR race. The race must be important. It appears that they will be joining the Jerry Lewis Telethon a few hours late in order to show it. Would they have pre-empted Jerry for Boomsday? Maybe we'll find out next year.

spoiled rotten

WARNING: clicking on any links in this blog entry could reveal Harry Potter spoilers

Friday morning we did a radio prank that got some people riled up. I wrote a fake ending to the latest Harry Potter book and read it aloud on Star 102.1. Listeners who haven't read the book (mostly adults) were upset at us for spoiling the ending. Those who have read the book (mostly kids) got the joke right away. You can read my fake ending by clicking here. Although some lines are copied verbatim, I made sure to steer readers away from what actually happens in the book. Those who heard the bit and have yet to read the book should still be surprised.

The whole bit was partly inspired by my frustration with the Harry Potter spoilers that are out there. A couple of weeks ago, I wrote that most critics were keeping the ending of the sixth book a secret. Since then, several clues have popped up.

A popular online t-shirt shop sells a shirt that gives away a major plot point and then says "I just saved you 4 hours and $30."

Within a couple of weeks of the book's release, the geniuses at one of our radio showprep services posted a domain name in big, bold print as their daily "Site For Sore Eyes." The domain name allows you to figure out the same major plot point.

Entertainment Weekly devoted two whole pages to discussing the ending of the "Half Blood Prince" but they put big spoiler warnings on the pages.

One of my favorite TV shows even got in on the spoiling action. "Best Week Ever" had a joke by Doug Benson in which they bleeped the name of one character involved in the climactic scene but they didn't bleep the other name.

Is there a better way to avoid spoilers?

carnivores, herbivores and omnivores

My wife and I went to the Feast with the Beasts at the Knoxville Zoo last night. It may not have been such a great idea to go to two food festivals in one day but I wasn't going to miss it. Most of the best restaurants in town were serving their specialties from booths all throughout the zoo.

We were greeted at the gate by an enormous furry (or is it plushy?) mascot, K.C. Beaver:


Then we saw WBIR-TV's Michele Silva:


We spent some time talking with a guy who works in radio sales at a competing station. He told me that as a transplant to the South, I would not be familiar with Muscadine, a sweet wine made from a local berry. He said that he had been drinking it since he was a kid. The Stonehaus Winery was serving Muscadine at their booth. According to their website, the local berry they use is called a "grape." It's as sweet as a fruit juice for kids but if you drink enough, things get out of focus, like in this photo:


One of the bands performing at the event was Blue Mother Tupelo:


At the silent auction they were selling painted ostrich eggshells. The one in the middle was painted by an elephant. I don't know how they kept the elephant from breaking the eggshell:


I'll have to write a separate blog entry about the Mold-A-Rama which brought back some memories from childhood:


Perhaps the highlight of the night for me was seeing what Kid Rock will look like in ten years:


One of the best things I ate all night was an oyster quickly cooked in the half shell on a grill. Does anyone know the name of the restaurant that served those oysters? I would like to go there.

After a couple of hours, we couldn't eat any more even though there were still things we hadn't sampled so we decided to head home. Most of the remaining crowd were there more for the drinks than the food. There are quite a few hangovers around East Tennessee this morning.

just got back from GreekFest

We went to GreekFest today or as the sign clearly states, GrekFest.


Food tents lined World's Fair Park.


The Souvlaki man serves up a dish.


We ate Souvlaki, Pastichio and Chicken in a Pocket.


Greek dancers performed despite the brutal heat.

bad luck?

My sister is thinking about selling her Manhattan condo. She hired a "space strategist" to help her make the place look bigger. For $200, he rearranged the furniture and other items. He also hung a mirror over the fireplace but didn't do it right. The next day my sister came home to find the mirror had fallen and smashed on the floor.

comparison shopping

One year I celebrated my birthday in Alaska. My wife and kids put a "portable birthday cake" in my luggage. Of course, it was a box of Twinkies:



Almost a year ago the parent company of Hostess filed for bankruptcy. Jimmy Kimmel handed out Twinkies to his audience that night and the ladies on "The View" did the same thing the next morning. They said that every American should support Hostess and buy a Twinkie. Meredith Viera may have blamed low-carb diets for the declining sales. I think it might be simple economics.

I was recently enjoying a Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pie, which came in a box of 12 for $1.19. The price was printed right on the box. On my next visit to a convenience store I checked the price of Twinkies. They wanted $1.09 for a package of two. HoHos were also $1.09 for two. Meanwhile a similar sized package of Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls could be had for 50 cents. Smaller Swiss Cake Rolls were only 25 cents. You don't have to be James Buchanan to realize which snack more people will buy. Hostess may be less focused on price since they own two of their former competitors, Drake's and Dolly Madison.

While we're on the subject, there was something that gave me the creeps on the Little Debbie box. They had an offer for a Little Debbie doll and a toy horse named Oatmeal Creme. Just let me eat my Creme Pie without that doll staring at me from the box.

they call them earworms

The song from that Levi's commercial can get stuck in your head. The song is "It Must Be Love" by Madness. In the spot, a guy throws rocks at windows until he wakes the woman who runs the laundromat. Which current commercials have the best songs?

they have free Wi-Fi too

Krystal has big things planned for Knoxville. Katie Allison Granju posted the press release about the TV commercial Krystal will film at UT on August 24 and 25. Krystal will hold qualifying rounds November 11 through 13 in Knoxville for this year's IFOCE sanctioned hamburger eating championship. Why don't they just use footage from the eating contest in their commercial?

catch them unawares

Marc & Kim were giving me a little bit of a hard time this morning. They called me "Mr. Obscure" when I mentioned a children's TV show they hadn't heard of. It's an Australian show called "Bananas In Pajamas" and it was on in the U.S. during the '90s. I always thought that whoever created the show must have been on some hallucinogenic drug at the time. B1 and B2 are two giant talking bananas who play pranks on teddy bears. But they do have a catchy theme song. Anyone else ever heard of them?

maybe they're supposed to be extinct

This morning's USA Today has a story about "rewilding" the Great Plains of North America. Somebody thinks it's a good idea to set loose the cousins of extinct species like mastodons, mammoths and saber-toothed tigers. The idea is to use elephants and lions or maybe regular tigers. Perhaps PETA can put full body wigs on the elephants so they'll look more like wooly mammoths. I went to the website of the journal Nature looking for the original article on "rewilding." It costs $8 a month so I found a different, free article on their site: "Lion Attacks on the Rise."

only you can prevent cigarette fires

(click to enlarge)

For the past six weeks, I've been doing remote broadcasts from convenience stores located at gas stations. I am continually amazed at the people who smoke cigarettes in close proxity to the gasoline pumps or the propane tanks. Every time I see someone litter with their butts, I picture the gas station scene from Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds."

coming attraction

A reporter from the Knoxville News Sentinel's website came to the improv show last night. Dipti Vaidya interviewed us, recorded video and shot stills during the show. It's all part of a bigger story on comedy in Knoxville that should be posted to KnoxNews.com in a month or so.

more on Dukes

On the radio this morning, Kim Hansard said she heard that Johnny Knoxville and Jessica Simpson had a quiet dinner together at the Copper Cellar / Cappuccino’s after the local premiere of "Dukes of Hazzard." Kim also heard that Jessica left a $385 tip.

Several listeners emailed that Jessica was at the restaurant but with a bodyguard, not Johnny Knoxville.

a funny coincidence

Just days after the news showed runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks mowing the lawn as her community service in Georgia, I saw this sign posted in Knoxville:

click to enlarge

must confess I still believe

Tonight on "Rock Star: INXS" one of the contestants (Marty) will have to cover Britney Spears' "...Baby One More Time." As anyone who has been to a Bowling For Soup concert knows, a rock version of that song sounds great. The BFS version of "...Baby One More Time" is on the "Freaky Friday" soundtrack.

my penmanship stinks

Two weeks ago I found the website for Cades Cove Outrageous BBQ and filled out the form for special offers. They sent me some 50 cents off coupons, which arrived in a hand addressed envelope. Inside was a handwritten note from Clay Jones thanking me for visiting their website. Who expects to get a handwritten anything anymore?

thunderstorms here and there

A thunderstorm passed through the area knocking out our electricity for a few hours today. I listened to my